That Means You're Sexy

Hey boys, let me tell you something

Let me tell you
How to know
If I think you're sexy

Hang on, let me take the gum out of my mouth

Anybody got a napkin?

Ah, screw it
I'll keep chewing it
Chewing gum cures cancer
I read that in People

So listen--

Here's how to know
If I think you're sexy

If we're out at a bar
And you look at me
And I walk over to you
And ask what the frig you're lookin' at

That means you're sexy

If you come over my house for a party
And I make you take out the trash
And tell you that your shirt looks like a pimp's doormat

That means you're sexy

If you--

Hang on, I gotta fix the girls

One keeps trying to run away from the other
I guess she's jealous because the other one's a little bigger
That's what I get for my father's mother being a gypsy
I'm built like the Leaning Tower of Pisa

Where was I?

Oh, you know what I hate about men?

When they slick their hair back
And put on a tie
And think I wanna jump 'em

A tie don't make you sexy
A good belt makes you sexy

A nice little black belt
That fits perfectly around him

None of that fancy buckle shit

One time I was with a guy
Who had a giant ring hanging off the buckle

I said, 'Can I take that off or do I have to knock first and wait for the wizard to let me in?'

But a nice belt...mmm...

I see a man with a nice looking belt
And next thing I know
I'm sucking on a breath mint
And wondering how many sick days I got left
So I can call out of work the next day

But you know what I really love?

I love when a man doesn't make assumptions

I love it when he talks to you like you're smart
Even if your wording isn't always perfect
Or if you wear big earrings
Or if you didn't go to the best school

I love it when you bust his balls
And he laughs it off
Cause he knows you gotta have balls
To get 'em busted
Unlike some of the guys I've dated

I love it when a man puts 'You're crazy' and 'I love you'
Right next to each other

And I like being called babe
I know some women don't, but I do
I like being somebody's babe

I haven't always picked the best guys
But I'm getting better at it
And now not only do I know what I want
But I want the guys to know that I know what I want
So that they don't go wasting my time

So if you're looking for a one night stand
Go stand outside some other girl's house

I want a man who makes love to me
Like he's trying to win a Nobel Prize for it

That's what I want

And if you hear me call you 'babe'

Then babe, that means you're sexy