Natalie's Confession

Forgive me, Father
I am going to sin
On March 30th, 2020

At that point
I will be twenty-five
Married
And having an affair

Allow me to explain

And I hope you have a cushion back there
Because this is a bit of a long story

You see, I'm in love with Rafael Naratatan
Pronounced NAH--like, nah dawg, I'm cool
RAT--like Tobey Porter is a rat for telling the school I'm on vicodin
ATAN--like if I don't get 'a tan' soon, I'm going to be translucent

Anyway, I'm in love with him
But he's a foreigner
Full of Spanish lust
And my parents would NEVER agree to me marrying him

That means I'd have to marry someone more conventional
Like the handsome, but dull, Winston Travers

Winston and I will probably be married
Halfway through college
That way I'll get to leave college
Before having to take
Any of the difficult courses

We'll start a family
And before long
I'll feel the yearning a woman feels
At the ripe old age of twenty-three
Right before her reproductive organs dry up

The yearning to reignite her inner desires

And so, I'll contact Rafael
Who, at that point, will be living in a flat
Downtown, in a really awful neighborhood

I'll ask him for lunch
Just to catch up on old times

But when I show up at his apartment
He'll open the door wearing nothing but cargo pants
Splattered with dark red paint

His hair will be tussled
The kind of tussled that you normally have to use
Extra conditioner to achieve

His rippling muscles
Will roll across his body
Like waves on the ocean

And I'll find myself thrown into his arms
Feverishly attacking him
With my feeble old twenty-three year old arms

And I'll feel like a girl again
And not a woman in her early twenties
Nearing the end of her youth

But I'll also be committing a sin, Father

I'll be having relations
With a man who is not my husband
And there's nothing I can do about that

After all, Winston is already losing his hair
And we haven't even reached junior year yet

I can already tell where his paunch will develop
And the other day, when I ate lunch with him
He spent the entire time talking about his idea
For an amusement park called Ferret Farm

I have no doubt it would be a huge success
But do I really want to spend the rest of my life
Laying in bed next to a bald guy
Who smells like wood shavings?

I think we both know the answer to that one, Father

So I'm here to confess
To my future adultery

I don't see why I should bother waiting
When I know exactly when I'll be breaking my marriage vows

I haven't sinned at all aside from that
But if you'd like
I'd be happy to tell you other people's sins

If Melody Kendall tells you that the worst thing she's done
Since her last confession is talk back to her mother
Than believe me, Father
She's leaving out half the laundry list

Oh, it's hard knowing that in ten short years
I'll be a fallen women

I guess until then I'll just have to learn to love
My purity

I suppose Jesus suffered the same way

Am I right, Father?

Mmm...the reverent sound of silence

That must mean 'Yes'