Fearless

My first time in the city
I was eight years old
And my aunt took me to see a show

I had a lovely time
Just lovely

Then when I was thirteen
My mother got a phone call one day
While we were eating dinner

We never got calls during dinner

My aunt had been stabbed by a man
During a robbery
He wanted her purse
And she wouldn't give it to him
And he stabbed her
And they never caught him

And this all happened
On her way home from work
In the city

And my aunt died that day in the hospital
And my mother was very upset about that
And from then on
I never went into the city

I had such fear after that
I think we all did
Especially my mother

And it seemed, at times
Like the only relief she got
Was making me more scared
Than she was

When I finished high school
I got accepted into a wonderful college for girls
But it was in the city
And so I couldn't go

That was how it was

My mother forbid it
And my father read his newspaper
And I tore up the acceptance letter
And I never went to college at all

I married a nice man
Who made me feel safe
And I had a child
And I was happy
But still afraid

Then one day my husband walked out
Just like that

At the time we were living in a city
A smaller city
A manageable one
But only because my husband insisted

I was terrified
Even more so when he left
And all he left me for
Was another city

The man never met a pipe
He couldn't dream about

There I was--

Alone, with a fifteen-year-old kid
Living in a city
Where I didn't know anybody

So what did I do?

I waited until my son, Martin, was out of school
And then I got myself a nice little apartment
Outside the city

That way, if he needed me
I could be there
But I was--

Away from it all, I guess

Part of me felt bad for leaving my son there
But a bigger part of me was still my mother's fear

So I stayed in my little apartment
And I stayed there for a long, long time

Then today my son calls me
And says he's thinking of leaving

Not his wife, just his life
Just as bad, in my opinion

And he wanted me to come into the city
Where today they're filming this movie
And there's all this traffic
And these movie stars everywhere
And noise, so much noise
And...

And it's the day my aunt died

I'm almost twice as old
As she was when she died
And I'm still scared

I'm still scared

But you know, I have a photo
Of her and me

The day we went to see that show

She's holding my hand
And she's looking down at me
With so much love
You would think
I was her own daughter

And I remember how confident she was
She stopped a stranger on the street
And asked him to take our picture
Her and her favorite niece
Because this was a big day
This was her day with me in the city

She was fearless, she really was

And I remember every time we'd cross the street
She'd say to me--

'Nancy, you have to walk across this street like it's named after you.'

She said--

'If you want to be like your mother, then wait for the cars to go by, but if you want to be like your crazy aunt, then you walk across that street and you make those cars wait for you.'

I looked at that photo
After I got off the phone
With my son today

For the first time since the day
That dinner got interrupted

I had something else in me
That wasn't my mother's fear

It was my aunt's fearlessness
Telling me--

Go ahead, honey
Cross the street
Make those cars wait for you

And I walked down to that bus station
And I got on the first bus to the city
And I thought--

I'm going to the city

And it felt good