How to Play Cards

Hey boy

Didn't anybody ever teach you
How to play cards?

Why don't you sit down?
I'll teach you

Carl's don't close for another hour
And that's plenty of time
For me to clean you out

Go ahead
Have a seat

I'll deal

Or you can deal

Would you rather deal?

I can deal with you dealing
If you want to

I can play any hand you give me

But since this is a tutorial
I'm going to ask you
To show me your cards
Before we start putting money down

That way you can't say
I hustled you

Sound good?

Okay, let's see

Well, loooooook at that
You got a queen

Pretty too

What do you think her name is?

Queen What, huh?

Oh well, doesn't matter
Point is you have her

Well, that's not exactly the point
The point is
How you gonna keep her?

I mean, she's yours
And she's a queen
But just having her
Doesn't mean much

Now you gotta protect her
That's the point

Sort of like chess
Except you're not protecting the king
You're the king
The queen's the one here
Who needs protection

Because you see
I could have a Jack here in my hand

No, you don't get to see my hand
This is your tutorial, not mine
Remember?

So I'm going to keep my hand to myself

Besides, when a guy's got a queen
You can tell

Even if you hadn't showed me your hand
I would have known

I would have known that pretty little queen
Was sitting right in front of your face

Now you see, because you're a novice
You would probably see that queen
And think you've got an easy win

But you'd be wrong

Because in all actuality
With that queen
It becomes your game to lose

You see, I could have my own king
I could have two kings
Hell, maybe three
Maybe I'm that lucky

Or I might have a jack
Which isn't all that much
Unless I have two

But I know you only have the one queen
So if I have two
I'm golden

Because you probably have the queen
And maybe a six
Or two threes
Or something like that

Something weak
That you think is going to protect that queen
Bring her right home

You think she's going to sit around at home
With some threes
And a lousy six?

What girl wants a six?

No, I think she's going to go looking

I think she's going to see
If maybe there's a king
Over where I'm sitting

Maybe I have another queen
She can talk to
Or maybe I have two jacks
Looking for trouble
Or maybe I got one of everything
And we can have ourselves a real party

Point is--There's a good chance
That because nobody ever taught you
How to play cards
You're going to lose that queen
To a hustler

...Possibly, of course...

For all you know
I could be sitting here
With four aces
Ready to blindside your ass
And clean your house out

One day you might go home
From some dive bar
After having lost your paycheck
And find all that's left
Is an empty closet
And a Dear John note

Wouldn't that be a shame?

'Cause you see, no matter what game you're playing
A queen is always a queen
Just like in chess
A queen goes wherever the fuck she wants
And she doesn't ask permission

She goes with whoever is gonna to win the game

Queens like winners

Yeah, I could be sittin' pretty right now

Or I could have a four, a three, a ten
Some real lousy shit

And then you got your queen
Don't you?

Except you don't

Because I can take this lousy hand
And I can bluff you out so bad
You'll think I got aces made of gold

And that's because I know how to play
That's because I'm a player

That's how I was born
That's who I am
That's why I'm sitting here
And you're sitting there

And you got a queen at home
Unprotected

Right?

So why don't you do yourself a favor?

Why don't you go home
And kiss your wife
And eat your shitty reheated dinner
And the next time she goes out
To see a movie with the girls
Don't follow her to some bar
And see who she's fucking
Unless you're planning on doing something about it
Instead of trying to reason with the guy
Like a fucking chump

She makes me Filet Mignon
Did you know that?

Bet you didn't

Go home and eat your meatloaf

You're all done here

You want to get a lesson out of all this?

Here it is:

Know when to fold

Bye