If You Attempt to Have Sex with My Daughter

If you attempt to have sex with my daughter
I will find out

I will find out
Because fathers know
When teenage boys
Are attempting to have sex
With their daughters

Alarms go off inside our bodies

Our livers shrink
Our biceps grow
Our ability to think rationally
Completely disappears

Completely

We turn into animals

Sort of like a coyote
But with a car
That can gun down a football-playing hornball
That thinks the coyote was a never a junior in high school himself
When in fact the coyote
Had many female coyote friends
Whose windows he crawled into at night
So he could...

The POINT is--I will find you

I will find you
And I will do things to you
That will leave you with severe psychological damage
For years and YEARS to come

If you attempt to have sex
With my daughter
I will murder whatever adorable pet
You have waiting for you at home
And I will staple it to your mailbox
As a warning to other impetuous boys
Who may consider my daughter an easy mark

If I find out that you even looked at her
With that disgusting post-pubescent
Amorous look that you boys have

I will find the sharpest object I can
And I will make you look like an abstract painting

YOU...WILL...REGRET...IT

Do you understand me?

I have googled Israeli fighting techniques
I am NOT dicking around, asshole

You will NOT have sex with my daughter

Do you understand me?

. . . . .

Great!

Now don't forget to have fun!