Kinsey's Lost Work

After completing ground-breaking work
Dealing with sexuality
Regarding both genders
I, Alfred Kinsey, have taken on
My most ambitious project to date

I have spent the past few years
Interviewing and documenting
The sexual activities
Proclivities
And histories--

--Of Muppets

After speaking with numerous sources
I can now cite statistics
Previously unknown about the Muppets
Due to the shame they feel
Living in a sexually suppressive society
That doesn't recognize the rights of talking shrimp
Bears with hats, and piano playing dogs

From my interviews, I can safely state the following:

45% of the Muppet population has engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities, or "reacted to" Muppets that could be identified as being human, regardless of gender, in the course of their Muppet lives.

37% report having interactions with non-Muppets, including one Muppet sheep who admitted to relations with a non-Muppet goat.

If two male Muppets live together in an urban area, and one of them is orange and the other is yellow, there is an 80% chance that they will engage in sexual intercourse.

80% of Muppet pigs admit to being attracted to Muppet frogs.

One particular Muppet mentioned that he can only orgasm after counting all seven--SEVEN--of the silly spiders in his castle.

12% of Muppets admit to having had sex with either Charles Grodin or Diana Rigg.

Group sex is common amongst the Muppets, especially when they live under a hardware store or play in a band together.

Oh, speaking of which, drug use is becoming more and more prevalent during sex amongst the Doozer population, which probably explains why nobody knows exactly what it is they're building.

Coitus isn't all that common, but then again, that might be because none of the Muppets have lower halves.

26% of Muppet Sex is brought to you by the letter 'O.'

One Muppet I interviewed was particularly active. He'd had interactions with men, women, chickens, a talking rat, Michael Caine, and in one instance, he even mentioned engaging in penetration using only his nose--of course, it was of a considerable size.

Overall, I would say that the sex lives of the Muppets do not differ all that greatly from the sex lives of humans.

There is only one notable difference:

A select group of Muppets seem to have a much easier time climaxing in trash cans.

Go figure.