Upstairs They're Having Sex

Upstairs they're having sex
Down here, we're talking

We're conversing about why we're glad
We're not upstairs having sex
When really
We really
Want to be upstairs
Having sex

We're looking at each other
Angered by how gross
We all find each other

We're thinking of all the parties
That we might have gone to
If we hadn't gone to this one
Granted, those were parties
We weren't invited to
But maybe we would have been
If we had lived better lives
With better friends
Hotter friends
Who have sex
With their friends
Who would be us

Then we'd be upstairs
Having sex

Downstairs we're looking at a Scrabble game
And our suppressed sexuality is falling onto the tiles
With triple word scores made up of--

'Testes' and 'Fornicating' and 'Labial'

Downstairs we're eating stale chips
And stale popcorn
And drinking flat beer
By picking up a cup
Out of a sea of cups
That could be ours
But probably isn't
But who cares
Because at least this way
We might end up exchanging
Some fluids amongst ourselves

Granted, that's not sex
It might be, but--

No, that might not be sex

That's definitely not sex

We're imagining the best sex ever had on the planet
Happening right above our heads

We're fantasizing about orgasms so strong
They rip open the genitals of the person having them
And Athena springs forth in a chariot
Carrying presents, like Santa Clause
And she rides out into the night
Born of an ecstasy so great
It could only be had while a group of degenerates
Got high downstairs on a bevy of various drugs

From that disgusting foundation
SEX was born
Not just any sex
But SEX in capital letters
Capital letter sex

S

E

X

Upstairs

Downstairs, no

Downstairs we're merely human
And we don't produce goddesses
Only painful erections
That won't go away

(Throw pillows are in scarce supply)

Downstairs girls are saying
That they don't mind not having sex upstairs
With the boy having sex upstairs
Who they all have crushes on

Downstairs we're saying
It's so not cool to be having sex upstairs
As if sex is something that's gone out of fashion

When most of us would hop up those stairs in a heartbeat
If beckoned down from the heavens
By someone willing to do it with us

Some of us contemplate going up there
Some of us think we should just put a stop to it
We think we have a right to say that it's unfair
Two people should be so happy
When so many others are horny and miserable

But those same people know
That upon arriving at the golden gates
Otherwise known as the door to the master bedroom
We would simply listen in
And probably dry hump the carpeting

So we stay downstairs
We are downstairs people
Living a downstairs life

And we will leave before the sex is even complete
And we will drive home pissed off
All the while wondering who in our phones
We could enlist to have sex with us at 4am when we get home
So that we feel as if we are just as good
As those people upstairs

And upstairs
Days and weeks and years from now
They will finish

They will finish having sex

And they will wonder to themselves
How the party was...