I Did Not Have Sex with Sal Rissando

Let me tell you somethin'

I did not have sex with Sal Rissando

I made out with Sal Rissando
At Terry's party last week

He got a little fresh
I got a little fresh
He got a little drunk
I got a little sick
I threw up a few times
And I went home

But we did NOT have sex

I know what you all think of me
And let me tell you something
I'll tell you everything I've done
I got nothin' to hide

And I did not have sex with Sal

I've had sex with Richie, Tony, Anthony, Nickie, and Frank
Not Frank Futacci, Frank Raggatto

I wouldn't have sex with Frank Futacci
Because I got class
And Frank Futacci's got no class

Those are the guys I've had sex with
And if you listened
You know Sal was not on that list

Now, I'm not saying I WOULDN'T have sex with Sal
But when you throw up in front of a guy
It kinda kills a lot of the sexual tension

Plus while I was throwing up
Sal kept grabbing my boobs

He said he was trying to hold back my hair
But it don't take a geography teacher
To know that your boobs and your hair
Ain't nowhere near each other

I don't mind a guy grabbing my boobs
But couldn't he at least wait until I finished throwing up
The dinner that he bought me?

I mean, be a gentleman, you know?

Now when Frank Raggatto and I had our little meeting
Down at the Dixie Depot
I had hives from eating mushrooms
All over my body

But 'cause I'm a good sport
And Frank had just signed up
For the Peace Corps
I rubbed some lotion all over myself
And we managed to make the best
Out of a very itchy situation

Then a month later I find out I had it all wrong
He didn't sign up for the Peace Corps
He was just doing that manager-in-training program
Over at the Subway on Rork Boulevard
Sneaky bastard

Now Sal wouldn't do something like that
Sal's not a liar

He may be a perv
Who likes to grope girls
While they're heaving up their chicken parm
But that don't make him a liar

And I'd be proud to say I got down and dirty
With a noble guy such as him

But the fact is it didn't happen
And it probably won't happen

...Until next month at least

That's when I'm switching over to that new birth control
That stops you from getting zits

Ain't science something else?