I Couldn't Be Less Hungry

I actually haven't eaten in twelve days
They that's impossible, but I say
The only thing standing between you and the impossible
Is a package full of Oreos
And a lack of self-control

You know, people look at me
On talk shows
On the news
On my new CBS weight loss show--

'If You're Starving, It's Working'

--And they say, 'Wow, that seems unhealthy.'

You know what's unhealthy?

Waking up in a puddle of vanilla frosting
In the bathroom of a Red Robin
Not knowing how you got there
And finding a wedding ring on your finger
And a note in your pocket that says
'I'll see you in Tampa, Cupcake'

THAT'S unhealthy

And that was me two years ago
And now look at me

I'm fit
I'm solid
My body is operating on nothing
But assorted liquids
And will-power

And that's just how I like it

Everybody wants to talk about
How fat Americans are
But nobody wants to come out
And just state the actual problem

We need
To stop
Eating

All of us

We need to take a few weeks
And engage in a perfectly healthy
If somewhat controversial fast

I personally practice the Tuwalla Monk diet
Which is incredibly spiritual
And only results in fatalities
Seventy-three perfect of the time

Maybe those numbers sound scary to you
But if that's the case
Let me give you
Some even scarier numbers

3-4-8--and in pounds, that's how much I weighed two years ago
And now look at me

I can eat a can opener
And successfully process it
With little-to-no problem

Some people say to me--

You can't go twelve days without eating

And you know what I say to them?

First I stare at them
Because I rarely get to see fools up close

Then, after I'm done staring
I tell that I've gone months without eating
And usually, once my body knows
Who it's dealing with
It feels just fine

To be honest, it's been twelve days
And I couldn't be less hungry

So there you go

Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go climb a three-story building
Using the only climbing tool I need

Sheer starvation-driven will

Do I feel like I may pass out?

You bet I do

And that's the body's way of saying--

You're a badass