The Landscaper's Son

Before I say anything else
Just let me say that I miss you, okay?

I miss you like I cannot imagine
Ever missing anyone ever
And it's really freaking me out
Because I know I'm going to see you in, like, a day
But I'm still freaking out about it
Because I'm with this Kentucky woman
And she's, like, on something
And she made me take something too
And nothing at all sexual happened
But we're supposed to close this deal in an hour
And I don't know how we're going to do it
Because she's in no position
To do anything really
And I'm feeling like I'm going to crawl up the walls
Like Spiderman or something
And this is all just really--um, it's a lot for me
And, could you, I don't know, get on a plane or something?

No, no, I'm being ridiculous
Don't let me be ridiculous
If we're going to be together forever and stuff
Than please don't let me act like an idiot
Because I'm going to try--a lot
And I have to give you the job of stopping me
Because otherwise, we're both screwed
And I think I'm quitting my job tomorrow

Okay, wow, see what I did there?
How I just--wham!  Yeah, no, I meant it
I really meant it
I have to quit this job
Because I do not want to end up like Kentucky woman
Laid out on a bed
Possibly overdosing on something she had a guy
Deliver to our hotel room
Yes, we're sharing a room
And believe me
I could have sex right now if I wanted to
It's taking everything I have
Not to try climbing into the television

Listen, the thing is--

My dad was a landscaper
Like his whole life
He did people's gardens
So I could have certain opportunities
And these--this--is that opportunity
That big opportunity
And yet, I'm pretty sure
My Dad had no idea
That this
Was what opportunity looked like

You know, it's just all so--

Like, not noble, you know?
Like completely ignoble--is that even a--
Of course it's not a word

But you get what I'm saying
I went to school
And got an education
Off another man's back
I mean, my father, yes
But still--I benefitted
From cold hard labor
And now I'm using it to what?
Do drugs and try to ride this high
Into a business meeting tomorrow
Where I'm going to negotiate
A merger
That will put four thousand people
Out of a job?

I mean, is this upper class living
Because if it is
Screw that

That is not what I wanted
That is not--

I mean, people say living
But it's just good money
It's not a good living
It's not a good life

I'm not a good person
Or at least, I'm not going to be
If I keep this up

My dad wanted something better for me
Than what he had

Well he had a wife that loved him
And kids that adored him
And when he died
He could at least say
That he never did an immoral thing
In his life
And here's me
Doing more wrong in one night than--

When parents say they want better
I think most of them mean, you know
Richer, but...

What they should mean
What they should say is just--

A nobler life
You know, to lead a life
Where you're able to help more people
Make more of a difference
Be happier
Like, truly happier
And, um, I guess what I'm saying is--

I'm quitting my job
And I'm coming home--to you
And I love you
And I really don't like this Kentucky woman
And I also feel sort of bad for her
And you're amazing
And we'll make it work

Job or no job
Even if I have to trim hedges
We'll make it work
Because we'll know
That we're not making the world worse

If nothing else
At least we're not doing that, you know?

Lately I'm starting to think
That just keeping things from getting worse
Is the best
Anybody can do