And Then the Traffic Turned Into Puppies

So I was sitting in traffic
Fuming--FUMING
Because I'm convinced
That everybody's just lining up
To see some car accident
Because people are sickos
And nobody owns a television anymore apparently
So fender benders are all anybody has
For entertainment
And I remember the car coming to a dead stop
And me closing my eyes
And--in my head--I saw all the cars explode

Just--BOOM!
Just like that
Because, you know, you imagine those sorts of things
Not that you actually want it to happen
But you're late for work
And you're frustrated
And you just want everybody to MOVE, you know?

So I open my eyes
And the traffic's gone

Totally gone

And I'm thinking--

Oh my god
Did I really just blow up everybody?

But I don't see fire
Or anything
So I think--

Well, that can't be it

Then I see 'em

Puppies

Everywhere

I turned the traffic into puppies

Hundreds of puppies
I can't figure out if the cars turned into puppies
Or the people in the cars
Or both
Because there are puppies
Everywhere

So I turn my car off
And get out
Because I can't keep driving
Because I'll run over the puppies
So I get out
And all the puppies
Come walking right up to me
Yipping and stuff
Like I'm their mother

At this point, I'm already running late
And I'm close to my exit
So I start walking

I start walking
To work

And the puppies are following me
Because obviously I've, I don't know, sired them
Or something

Hundreds of puppies
Walking down the freeway
Following me all the way to my office building
Through the door
Right up to floor seven

(Obviously, I had to take the stairs.)

And yes, I did pick one or two of them up and hold them
Because they seemed sort of terrified
And as their, you know, caretaker or whatever
I now feel sort of responsible for them
Even though there are hundreds of them
And I live in a studio
In East Creighton

So my boss says--

What is this?

And I say, 'Well, Jack, I'm going to level with you
I was stuck in traffic
I got really mad
And the next thing I know
I'm swimming in a sea of puppies'

Luckily for me, Jack didn't think I was crazy
Because he had the same experience
Except he wished all the cars
Right to Nicaragua

'That's insane,' I say
And he goes--'Well, yeah, but at least those people still existed.
Yours are all puppies.'

And you know, I really couldn't argue with that

I managed to get a lot of the puppies adopted
But some of them had to stay with me
And let me tell you something
They are really terrible drivers

I don't know if they were that bad
When they were people
But now that they're puppies
It's like a turn signal
Is their biggest enemy

So I guess what we have here
Is a cautionary tale

If you're stuck in traffic
Relax
Count to ten
And whatever you do

Don't close your eyes