Don't Get Married Near the Water

Chad, if you're coming out here
To get all sentimental
I'd recommend against it

This is why I don't like weddings
It makes everyone reevaluate their lives
And then attempt to do something
About how stagnant they feel

Chad, I can assure you
I'm very happy with my stagnation
So please don't ruin it for me

Yes, I look good
Women always look good at weddings
The reason they require you to give so much notice
Before a wedding
Is so all your women friends
Have an ample amount of time
To lose weight, primp, prep, and surgically alter--if necessary

You remember my friend Stacy from high school?
She eloped three months ago
And I didn't go
Even though the wedding was in Manchester
And I had the day off

It's the principle of the thing
I would have looked awful
It may be her day
But if I'm going to be stuck at the singles table
The least I can be is stunning

And yes, you look good Chad
I see my voodoo doll didn't work

Do I have to fully embrace this awkward moment
Or is one of the many drunk party guests
Going to stumble out here
And throw up on me?

I mean, I can hope, right?

The ocean looks beautiful
It makes me wonder why my mother always said
Don't get married near the water

Well, she was Irish
They think everything's bad luck
Ironic, considering they invented leprechauns

Chad, I'm just going to come out and say it--

You're an asshole
Anybody with any sense of dignity
Would not show up at a wedding
For someone they barely know
When they know that person
Is good friends
With the woman
They left standing at the altar

Did you even get an actual invitation
Or did you just sneak in
In the hopes of receiving
My illusive forgiveness?

Well, you're not getting it

Certain things are sacred, Chad

Weddings are sacred
Reception halls with two-year waiting lists
And non-refundable deposits are sacred
The best caterer in California is sacred
And a McKenzie Sarah wedding dress
Is sacred

What the hell were you thinking?

And please don't tell me
That you had this epiphany
Where it occurred to you
We weren't ready to get married

Did you think I was under the impression
That the two of us getting married
Was a good idea?

Of course not!

But we had the Davenport Reception Hall!
And catering by Fenel!
And a MCKENZIE SARAH DRESS!

You don't just throw away a perfectly good wedding
Because you suddenly realize
The marriage isn't going to work

Do you think that couple in there
Thinks THEIR marriage is going to work?

Caitlin, the anxiety-ridden micro-manager
And Taylor, 'Let's just try building an addition to our house without blueprints and see how that goes' guy?

Plus, he's bad in bed

Don't blanche
It's been awhile
But not long enough
For him to have become anywhere near decent
I can assure you of that

The year after you left me was...
Staggeringly awful

The sort of awful where you start thinking to yourself--

Ohhh, so THIS is how people
Become suicidal

And I know you came out here
To apologize
And to tell me
That maybe we should try again
But Chad
I can never have that wedding again
So what's the point?

That now you'll be a good husband?
That now we'll have a good marriage?
That now I'm on a decent amount of medication?

Who cares, Chad
I mean it, who really cares?

Maybe if we'd gotten married
And then divorced
We could do the right thing
And get married again

At least then we'd have the memory of a perfect wedding
And, ultimately, a perfect marriage
But since that's not possible
Why bother?

It's so easy for people to do away with their pride these days
Especially when it comes to relationships
Well, Chad, I am old-school
It is not easy for me
To let go
Of pride

Not because I was jilted
But because I was wrong
About us
About...

Our timing

Why are all those people standing outside the--oh my God, you locked the patio doors so they couldn't come out here and interrupt us, didn't you?

Jesus, Chad, you...

Chad, get up
This is a wedding

You don't propose
At somebody else's wedding

And you're drunk
And I'm fat
And the ocean
Is making ridiculous things happen
And, uh, um...oh God

Fine, Chad, fine

Let's try this
One more time