Too Late to Come Home Now

Did you really think you were going to come home at 5am
And I was just going to be laying in bed
And you could slip in next to me
And maybe we could start making love
And I'd wake up tomorrow and cook you breakfast
And everything would be fine?

You should have married
A heavier sleeper, Jim

Or somebody who would think you're so cute
She'd just roll over

You went to pick up the money, didn't you?

All that money from one deal
One last deal
Is that right?

You've been sneaking around all this time
And for awhile I thought it was women
Then one day I did that old tried-and-true woman's trick

I hacked into your phone

No women
Just drugs
And wasn't I relieved?

But then I realized--

If he's a drug dealer
Where the hell's all his money?

So I tried the second tried-and-true woman's trick
I hacked your e-mail

Were you going to surprise me
With all that money one day?

Show up and yell--
'C'mon, babe!  We're going to the Cayman Islands!'

Was that the plan?

Well, it doesn't matter now
Because, see--

The plan's changed

You may not have married a light sleeper
But you did marry a financial whiz
And so I know alllllll about where your money was

Did you hear that last word?

'Was'

As in--it's not there anymore

Because I moved it
To a few places
I knew you wouldn't think to look

I cleaned you out, Jim
Of course, I waited until earlier this evening
Because, I knew tonight was the big night
So all I need now
Is the last of the cash

Just leave it by the door
On your way out

Jim, I really don't think you have much of a choice
You see...

I called the police a little while ago
And I'd have to imagine they're already
Halfway here by now

Now, I'm willing to let you run
But not with the money

The car's parked a few blocks from here
On a side street
Keys in the ignition

You leave the money
Go to the all-night gas station around the corner
And in a few minutes
I'll send you a text message
With the exact address

You try taking the money with you
I tell the police you're on the run
And on foot
I doubt it'll take them long
To catch you

Leave the money
And I'll send them in the wrong direction
Tell them you went to your mother's house in Scovie
And you can be in Canada by tonight

It's up to you, Jim

It's been a good marriage

I'd hate to end it
On a sour note

You could have taken me with you, you know
From day one
I could have been right by your side

Maybe you weren't planning on leaving me behind
But either way
It doesn't matter now
Because I know when to cut my losses
And so I have to cut you
And that's sad
But what are you gonna do?

You?

You're gonna run

Aren't you?

Course you are

You're not stupid

You just stay out too late

And it's too late to come home now, Jim

It's just too damn late