The Lindsay Reporter

There's a group when there's something interesting
When she like, shoplifts or...hits someone with her car

Just an example
Although, everybody's hitting people with cars nowadays

You're not a real celebrity
Until you have some stranger's blood on your windshield

So yes, there is a group, most of the time
But even when there's not a group
And nothing interesting is happening
I still have to follow her

That's my job
I'm the Strictly Lindsay reporter

Because the thing about Lindsay is
You can't just show up when she does something stupid
Because by the time you show up
She's already in the cop car
And nobody's talking
And they've hosed down the area
And the show's over

So somebody has to be there at all times
To let everybody else know
When the shit goes down

And that's my job

When I went to journalism school
Did I think I'd be doing this?
Well, first off, I didn't go to journalism school
So that helps with the rage I feel everyday

I just tell myself--

You were a philosophy major
This is the result

You want to know the sad thing?
I mean, there's a million sad things about this situation
But you want to know the really sad thing?

She has no idea I even exist

I follow her around constantly
When her bodyguards take the day off
Because they're on the verge of a nervous breakdown
I'm still there
And she doesn't even notice

To her, I'm just another one of the people
Stalking her on a daily basis

She wouldn't even be able
To pick my face out of a line-up
If she had to

And what's even sadder than that
Is that I've sort of grown fond of her

Because, the thing is
When you spend that much time with someone
You either hate them or love them
And even if you hate them
You still feel this weird sort of connection with them

I mean, I'm not with her for any private moments
Obviously I'm not invited to Thanksgiving dinner or anything
But you'd be amazed how few private moments
She has anyway

Maybe you think you wouldn't be surprised
But trust me
It's even fewer moments
Than you think

Virtually no privacy
Ever

Everything
Is public

And that means I'm there
For everything

And so I've sort of become...protective of her
Which is...insane

Because if anything
That's the opposite
Of what I'm paid to be

I'm paid to help people skewer her
Not shield her from anything

But...

Between you and me...

Sometimes I don't make the call

Something will happen
And I'll decide--

You know what?
I'm not calling it in

If nobody else saw it
Then who's to say it happened, right?

Believe me
All the shit you hear about?

That's nothing
Compared to the shit
You don't hear about

Shit I don't feel comfortable
Revealing
To other people

And part of me thinks that even if I didn't feel, you know, whatever about her
That I still wouldn't want that stuff coming out
Because it's...

I mean, who does it benefit, you know?

I know people buy magazines
And people watch tv
And everybody loves a trainwreck
But who is it really helping, you know?

When does one human being ever benefit
From hearing about another human being
Floundering?

It just seems...

But that's not my job

My job is to follow her
And call stuff in
Which I do...

Most of the time

But sometimes I just say whatever
And sit with my cup of coffee
And watch this...person...just...

Yeah

Yeah, I guess...

Yeah