The Dog Saw Me Do It

The dog saw me do it

Like, I was...you know, with Tim's girlfriend
And the dog walked by

And she's always been sort of like--

I mean, we've never been close
But I would definitely say
That she was civil before
But now I can tell
She's like, super-disappointed in me
Because she won't even look at me now

So, you know, I figured
I just won't say anything about it
Because it's really none of her business
Even if she's technically Tim's dog
Because she's sort of mine too
Because I've walked her before
And when she was a puppy
I definitely took those awesome photos of her
Wearing my Orioles hat

That's where that viral photo of her came from
Where she's all like--

'The Orioles Rule!'

Except she didn't really say that
I had to write it in
Using, like, photo-shop and stuff
Which took forrrrrrrrrrrr-eeeeeeeeeever

But whatever, it was worth it

Because then Tim's girl was like--

You're amazing at photo-shop
You're like Bill Gates
And I was like--I'm not really like Bill Gates
Bill Gates is a nerd
And she was like, 'Yeah, he is.  So's Tim.'
And I was like, 'Yeah he is.'
And then we started making out
And that's when the dog walked by
And I saw her look at me and I was like--

Wow

I'm so glad she can't tell Tim about this

But then the next day
I got up a little bit earlier than Tim did
Because a rerun of my favorite episode of the Smurfs
Was going to be airing on that vintage cartoon network I like
And in the kitchen
I found out a message
The dog had left Tim
Using only her kibble

It said--'Your friend and your girlfriend were making out on the couch and I saw them.  You really need to get better friends and stop dating girls who are impressed by photo-shop.  Or just learn to use photo-shop.  Seriously, Tim, this is the fifth time something like this has happened.  I can't keep watching you make the same mistakes over and over again.  It's killing me.'

...Yeah, I know, I was really impressed by that too

So I took her for a walk
And I was like--

'Listen, first of all, I'm really sorry that I told Tim to name you Tittie and he thought it was a great suggestion and now that's your name.  I honestly still think it's hilarious, but I know that it's always bugged you.

Secondly, yes I made out with Tim's girlfriend, but I've made out with all his girlfriends, and once you've made out with one, you're already sort of a traitor, so by making out with the others I'm just staying true to who I am.

Thirdsome, if you stop writing Tim messages using your dog food, I'll feed you bacon everyday except on the days when I sleep until four pm.  Sooo...that's like, three days a week...almost.'

She peed on me
And then walked away

Sooooo my only option at that point
Was to kick Tim out of the apartment

It really sucks
Because now he lives with his mom
And I don't have anybody's girlfriend to make out with

So the moral of the story is
If you're going to get a pet
Make sure it's a cat
And then keep it in a closet or something
Where it can't see anything

Trust me
It's for the best