Tony Hooper Runs for President

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm in the fifth grade

This is my report
On politics
Titled "A Double-Edged Sword, or It's All About the Posters"

First of all, I really didn't want to run for Class President
I'm more of an on-the-fence guy
Mostly because I like fences
But also because when you're Class President
They make you wear a tie
And give the thumbs up all the time
And that just looks dumb

But then, the Kickball Team came up to me one day
After recess, and said they needed somebody in their corner
To make sure they got new uniforms

I guess you could say they were lobbying me
Because after recess
We usually wait in the lobby
Until our teacher comes to get us

The Kickball lobbyists told me that if I ran and got President
And got them their uniforms
They'd all give me their lunch money
Once a week for the rest of the school year

Suddenly, I got a lot more interested in politics

That's my first of all

Second of all, the only person I had to worry about running against was Faith
And I knew she'd be easy to beat

She kept saying 'I'm going to do this' and 'I'm going to do that'
And I kept thinking--

Nobody wants to hear about what you're going to do!
People just want to clap
And have you give them candy

So I said stuff like--

'The fifth grade is the best grade in the school!'

--and--

'Candy's awesome!'

--and--

'Have some candy!'

--And then I'd give them all candy

My teacher, Mr. McStevens
Was sort of upset about that

He said I was bribing people
And that's not what elections are about

I said, 'Mr. McStevens, do you own a television?
Because I've been watching a lot of tv lately
And it seems like bribing people
Is ALL elections are about'

He had a hard time arguing with that one

I was ahead in all the cafeteria polls
Although both me and Isabella weren't winning over the Tea Party
Those are the kids who sit near the soda machine
And only drink ice tea

They wanted Corey Stoobins to win
But he thinks that aliens run the government
And that the pilgrims were all vampires
So nobody was too worried about him winning

During the final days of the election
One of the Kickball kids found out
That Faith still talks to one of her imaginary friends
And that's when I knew I would win

That day, I got sent on an errand to the office
And on my way there
I ran into my third grade teacher, Mrs. Brugel

She runs student council
And she told me that it was looking like I was going to win
And was I excited?

I said, 'Sure, Mrs. Brugel.  Being President will be cool'

Then she asked if I was excited for the weekly meetings
Every Monday morning at 7am
And the fundraisers
And the after-school planning meetings
And all the events I'd have to go to
And all the changes I'd have to make
To make sure the school was a better place

Gee, I thought, that sounds like a lot of work

I thought I just had to win the election
I wasn't thinking much further than that

It's like how my cousin Christy got married
And then told my aunt that she just wanted the wedding
And that she never realized that her boyfriend smelled like bad pudding
Until she was up on the altar standing next to him

That was when I knew what I had to do

That day at the special assembly
I told my class to vote for Faith
I said she cared a lot about the school
And that she was a hard worker
And that things would get better
If she was in charge

The Kickball team wasn't too happy with me
But they play kickball
And that's not even a real sport
So who cares what they think?

That's my third of all

After the assembly, Mrs. Brugel came up to me
And said she was real proud of what I did

'Why, Mrs. Brugel,' I asked, 'I just lost the election.'

She said--'Tony Hooper, good people don't just win elections.  Good people make a difference.  What you did today made a real difference.'

You know, there's lots of different kinds of kids in my class

There's me and there's Faith
Who talks to her imaginary friends
There's my friend Tony Mars, who's in a wheelchair
But who all the girls love
There's Fat Pants, who got sent to some kind of camp over the summer
And now weighs less than me
So we call him Scrawny Pants
(Hahaha he can't win)

There's kids with all different kinds of families
That believe in all different kinds of things
And the only thing we have in common
Is that we all have to see each other everyday
So we try to get along
Because it makes everything easier if we do

I think if a bunch of ten-year-olds can learn to do that
Then it shouldn't be that hard
For the adults

Adults are always wondering why kids are getting meaner
Maybe it's because they send us to school
To learn to be like adults
And frankly, adults don't seem all that nice nowadays

I could have told everybody about Faith's imaginary friends
But that just would have hurt her feelings
And people would have made fun of her
And then I would have won the election
And nothing would have gotten done
So nobody would have won
Except the Kickball team
And they're only like one percent of our school!

I congratulated Faith on her win
And she said thanks
And then she asked if I wanted to be Secretary of the Interior
I asked what Secretary of the Interior does
And she said it means I get to decorate the classroom
For Halloween
Which is the coolest job ever

See what I mean?

When you do the right thing
Everybody wins