The Drunken Car

Chrissssssssssssssssssssss oh my gooooooooooooooooood, duuuuuuuuuuuudeeeeee!!!

What uppppppp, motherfucker???

Listen, this new thing they do
Where you can take the alcohol in your bloodstream
And just insert it into your car
Where it gets used as fuel
Is the best
Invention
Ever!

Dude, you look totally sober
I mean, I'm fucking trashed like the Grouch, man
But you are good to GO!

So, you're driving me home, right?
Great, man, do me a favor
Go hard on that steering wheel, okay?
Seriously, steer the shit out of me
Because I am, like, all over the fucking place

Whoooohoooohooohoo!

Oh my God, tonight was wild, dude
Carmen's Prius was there
And she was like, 'You need to chill.  You're a gas guzzler.'
And I'm like, 'Guzzle this, bitch!'
And my boy Honda was like--'Ohhhhhhhhh'

Seriously, what is her problem?
I think it's 'cause you're not calling Carmen back
Because you're still hung up on Patty
Which, dude, seriously
You need to cut that cord, man
I saw her driving around with some other dude today
In a convertible

A convertible, man
Even my tires filled up
You know what I'm getting at here?

You gotta look into souping me up, man
You gotta get me some rims or something
Or, like, spikes on my tires
Or a jacuzzi on the roof
I'm just thinking out loud here

Oh hey--Bebe!

Honk my horn, man
Dude, it's Bebe, honk my horn
She'll love it
She loves when I goof on her
Bebe! 

Dude, you have got to relax
You're bumming me out, man
Like, do you not like me anymore?
Do you hate me?
Are you going to tell me you hate me now?

What the fuck man?
I don't hate you
I love you, dude
Seriously

Just because you had to get me new brakes?
I'm sorry I'm not a brand new fucking car
That you can't even afford
Because you're a loser
Who works at Yankee Fucking Candle!

...Dude, I'm so sorry

I didn't mean that

Hey, pull over, okay?
Just pull over

I think I'm about to unload my trunk

Seriously, man
Pull over
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God
There goes your dad's golf clubs, man
I told you to put them back in his car

Oh God that was...fuck

Dude, I just need to park for awhile, okay?
Let's just take it easy

That got intense--whooooo

Hey, sorry about what I said
I love those fucking candles, dude
They're awesome

You're awesome too

Let's just drive off into the sunset, man
Let's just drive until I break down
And then I want you to live in me
Like a little hut
On the beach, okay?

You're amazing, Chris

Seriously

And plus--

You're a really good driver