Separate Checks

Hello?

Hi?

Waitress?

Yes, hi
Hi, great meal
Thank you
Loved it
The rolls were stale
But I guess that isn't entirely your fault
Although I would tell whomever is responsible for the rolls
That they were sub-par

If I were writing a review of this restaurant
I'm not sure I could leave out
The fact that you serve sub-par rolls
I wouldn't want to write it
But if I were a reviewer
I'm not sure I'd be able to overlook it
And really, at the end of the day
Aren't we all reviewers of some kind?

Just something to think about

NOW--regarding the check

There are eighteen of us here
And we're going to need you
To divide it up
According to the instructions
I'm about to give you

First, those three will need to be on the same check
But you can put their drinks on my check
Because I lost this bet about which actor played James Bond
In which order
Even though I still think that Timothy Dalton--

Well, never mind
The point is
Their drinks go on my check

But my appetizers
Go on that gentleman's check
Because we shared
Oh, but then I guess you should split the appetizer
Between he and I
So go ahead and do that

Actually, put three-fourths of the appetizer
On his check
Because, between you and I
He ate most of those dumplings
Not that I'm a snitch
I just like being fair about things

Now, the nice lady down at the end of the table
Is having her check picked up by the gentleman next to her
But his check is being picked up by the older woman next to him
Because that's his mother
But you'll still need to put together a mock check
And hand it to the young lady
So the gentleman next to her can take it from her
And make a show of paying for the whole thing himself
Even though the real check should be handed to his mother
Who's desperate to get him married
As you can imagine

Everyone is paying for an equal portion of the desserts
So please split up the desserts
Eighteen ways
And make sure it's down to the decimal
Because I refuse to pay for one inch of creme brulee
That I didn't eat

After you've done all that
You can go ahead and factor in your tip
Since I abhor doing math

Let's say...twelve percent, shall we?

Normally, I'd dock you
For the stale rolls
But what can I say?

I'm in a good mood

Aren't you lucky?