He F**ked Everyone in Boston

He moved
Because he fucked
Everyone in Boston

He's a slut
Sluts don't just move

First they suck up all the whatever
From whatever city they're in
And then they go somewhere else
To suck up more of the whatever

No slut has ever left any city
Before making absolutely sure
There's nobody left there
For him to sleep with

Remember when he lived in Miami
And he fucked everyone there?

Well, there was this one guy
That sort of held out on him
And as God as my witness
I'm telling you
He stayed in that city
For, like, four extra years
Waiting until he could fuck this guy

As soon as he did
BAM!--Off to Boston

He thinks I'm stupid
Like I don't notice these things
Trust me, I notice

In my mind I imagine this little checklist
Painted on his wall
With the names of all the guys
In any given city
And every night
He smears black paint
Across someone's name

The whole thing disgusts me
I'm disgusted by it

I wanted to tell him that
When I was driving him to the airport this last time

I wanted to be like--

You better not pull the same shit in Chicago
That you did in Boston and Miami
Because eventually
Either you're going to run out of cities
Or your dick is going to fall off
Or both, who knows?

And then, I went to, you know
Give him a kiss good-bye
Because we're friends or whatever
And he sort of pulls back
Like he's like--Ew
Which--can you believe that?
I mean he didn't say 'Ew' but--

And it wasn't even going to be a kiss kiss
Just a peck
Because I wasn't going to get to see him
Until I move to Chicago in a few weeks
For that job I randomly found two days ago
And so I thought I should, like, give him a peck good-bye
And he pulled back
And I mean, what the fuck, you know?

Like you fuck everyone everywhere you go
But you can't give me a fucking peck?

Seriously?

I was disgusted

I still am

He's going to hear about that
When I meet up with him in Chicago

Seriously

That boy has some major problems