My Mother's Affair

My mom's having an affair
I'm not supposed to know that
But I know that
And I don't mean like 'I know that'
Like I sense it
I mean it like 'she told me'
She told me she was having an affair
And that she needed my help
Because I'm a therapist
She said I was obligated to counsel her

I said, 'Mom, first of all, I'm the best therapist in the state
So frankly, you can't afford me'
And I wasn't kidding
Because if you think I won't charge my mother
You don't really have a clear understanding of our relationship
Which, I mean, how could you?
She's--never mind

Second of all, I have no time in my professional schedule
To take on anyone

I have a guy who's just getting over seeing Molly Ringwald in his kitchen
Another guy who thinks he's Don Quixote
A woman who went to Europe with her husband and came back divorced
A former Governor with what I believe to be a sort of post-traumatic-guilt kind of issue
And a man who wakes up everyday in a superhero costume

I wouldn't tell you about any of these people
But you need to understand what I was dealing with

I should have just referred her to another therapist
But instead, I took the easy way out
And spoke as her daughter
Instead of as a therapist

I said, 'Mom, stop cheating on Dad'
She said, 'Well, I did.  I had to.'
I said, 'What do you mean you had to?'
She said, 'The guy I was cheating with died.'

That's when I realized she was talking about her ex-husband
The asshole who she used to talk about
The way some people talk about North Korean dictators
She was sleeping with him

Now, at that point, I wasn't just upset because she was cuckolding my father
At that point, I was upset as a woman because my mother was acting like an idiot
Or had acted like an idiot--I guess I didn't have to worry about it continuing
What with him being dead and all

Mom said, 'You can't understand these things.  You didn't know him.'
I said that sometimes not knowing someone
Is the only way to understand them

Most people are better off viewed from a distance
You get too close, you see the cracks, right?

Right

And what happened was
I got too close to my mother

I mean, we never had a lovey-dovey Hallmark relationship
But after her...admission
I just found myself to be totally...cold to her

Because even at her worst
She was perfect
There were mortal sins
I did not believe her to be capable of committing

So when the affair came up
Something broke
That thing that breaks
When you realize your parents are human

I don't think it's that we can't accept
That our parents are human

It's just that we come from our parents
So if they're human
It means we must be human
And that's probably what we don't like
Finding out

So did I know all the facts about the affair?
No, I didn't
I didn't want to know

I was angry
And I could handle anger
Anger is easy
Pain is hard

If that sounds like wisdom, don't credit me with it

It's just something I learned
From my therapist