Baby: The thing is, you're really making some bad choices here.
Carly: I know.
Baby: I mean, he really doesn't respect you.
Carly: I know.
Baby: Like, at all.
Carly: It's not like he beats me.
Baby: He beats you with his actions.
Carly: Wouldn't beating me be an action?
Baby: Actually beating you would be paying attention to you. It's his lack of action that really does the most damage.
Carly: Has anyone ever beat you?
Baby: Carly, I'm four months old. Who would beat a four-month old?
Carly: Then how do you know so much about this?
Baby: I was born into water. Into one of those pools? My mother is very New Age even though New Age is the new Old Age.
Carly: Right. Okay.
Baby: But it made me very sensitive to people and their feelings. I feel like you're hurting Carly. Like this guy really isn't giving you what you need.
Carly: What do I need?
Baby: What do you think you need?
Carly: Well...
Baby: It's okay, Carly. This is a safe space.
Carly: I'd really like a baby.
Baby: You can't have a baby.
Carly: Oh, I know, because I'm only fifteen.
Baby: No, because you're emotionally wounded to an extend where I'd feel very uncomfortable letting you take care of a child.
Carly: But I'm taking care of you.
Baby: Carly, you put my diaper on backwards. I'd hardly call this first-class treatment.
Carly: But I'll get better at that when I'm older.
Baby: You can't grow maternal instinct, Carly. You either have it or you don't.
Carly: And I don't?
Baby: You don't in spades.
Carly: Is it possible to not have something in spades?
Baby: It's the depth of the negatives that makes you so interesting to me.
Carly: So you don't think I'll ever learn to love or be good at raising kids?
Baby: I mean, I guess I'd give you a plant--maybe a bonsai tree--just to see what happens. Just out of a morbid sense of curiosity. But as far as a living thing? Like a kid or a dog or a fish or even just a bowl of insects? I'd say 'No.'
Carly: That's a really severe assessment of me.
Baby: Carly, four months ago I was living inside another person. I don't take life lightly.
Carly: You really think I'd hurt my own child?
Baby: Not hurt, per se. I sort of think one day you'd wake up and realize you haven't fed the kid in a few months. Sort of like a junk drawer you keep forgetting to clean out.
Carly: I do have a really messy closet.
Baby: You're not a bad person, Carly. You should just never try connecting to another human being.
Carly: Is it possible not to connect with another human being? Like, isn't it sort of necessary?
Baby: I don't know what to tell you. It's like you're asking me if it's a good idea to have termites. Not really, but they exist anyway, you know?
Carly: Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Baby: I'm a baby, Carly. I'm not always going to make sense.
Carly: That's true.
Baby: The point is, you shouldn't date.
Carly: Okay.
Baby: Or get married ever. Or, like, have kids or pets or talk to anyone unless you're taking their food order or figuring out how they want their car washed.
Carly: I'm starting to feel like you don't have much faith in me.
Baby: Carly, I have mountains of faith in you. It's your actions I have no faith in.
Carly: Or my lack of actions.
Baby: See, now I really feel like we're communicating.
Carly: I should probably get your bottle.
Baby: You were supposed to feed me two hours ago.
Carly: Oh my god I--
Baby: It's okay, Carly.
Carly: I'm sorry.
Baby: I snuck a soft cookie while you were crying on the phone with your boyfriend.
Carly: Are you going to get a new babysitter?
Baby: Of course not, Carly.
Carly: Oh, thank you.
Baby: No thanks necessary. I could never have you fired now. I feel like we're really making progress here.
No comments:
Post a Comment