How I Know You're Not My Husband

How I know you're not my husband...

When I wake up

Your arm is around me

And it's warm

And I feel safe

And it's like...huh

That's what that feels like

I know you're not him

When there's whispering

A kind face

Pressed up against my back

Legs and arms

Happily lost in each other

Like one big unsolved puzzle

That neither one of us

Wants to figure out

Maybe we're not a puzzle

Maybe we're a problem

You ask me what he's like

And I say--

Imagine you

Now imagine everything else

That's him

I want you to ask me to leave him

So I can

But you think I won't

So you don't

And I cry

And you say I can stay with you

For as long as I want

Provided it's shorter than

Forever

The difference is my husband is forever

He's the ultimate ending to this story

And you are temporary

And you must find some comfort

In being temporary

And I don't blame you for that

I wish I could be temporary too

I get dressed

And you zip me up

You smile

And I smile back

You say you'll call

And I believe you

This is how I know

You're not my husband

This and the fact that when I'm not with you

I don't think about you

And when I'm with you

All I think about

Is him

Is it guilt?

Is it regret?

Is it fear?

Who knows what it is?

But it's there

And you are not there

Not when you're not lying next to me

With your arm providing all that warmth

Once that warmth goes cold

You disappear

But the cold my husband gives

Remains

And never changes

It sits in my chest

Like a sickness

I can't shake

That permanence must be marriage

It must be the promise I made

That I can't seem to abandon

That nobody seems to want me to

And you, you could be gone

At any moment

At any moment

I could look over

And see

That you're not there

And then where would I be?

All alone, I suppose

But with my husband

Of course

Wouldn't that be something?