My Husband's Pornography

I found it on his computer
I won't say it wasn't hidden
Because it was
I won't say I didn't snoop
I did--I had a suspicion
I'm a wife, I'm his spouse
I suspected, I snooped
I found

These are the facts
I found things on his computer

The first few things were...typical
I'm not a prude
You're not listening to a matron talk to you
I have sex, I like sex
I do not thing sex is a bad thing
Nor am I horrified by pornography
Or sexual images
Or whatever
I'm not that type

But this was...

There was reason to be concerned

And that's all I'm going to say about that

I went to him
To my husband
And I said--

Uh...'I found...this'

And right away I knew I was in trouble
Because he didn't laugh it off
And my husband is a man
Who laughs things off
So when he didn't
(And I guess I was sort of hoping he would)
My initial thought was
Oh wow, okay, this is...

Like he didn't stumble across it by accident
Like it wasn't there because somebody sent it to him
Or he was curious
Or whatever
All things I could understand
That I wouldn't be...um...

I'm sorry, could we stop for a second?
I know that I'm--
I'm not upset, I'm just...
This is--
I mean, this is so surreal, uh, I just...

I...said...what are we going to do?
You know, because...
What do you do?
When that--those things--are actually things
That...uh...arouse
Your husband?

What do you do?

Because the thing is
Now I know that, you know?
And so--what?
What should I do?

I can't not know that
What I saw
I can't...pretend

You know, and I see these women on the news
These, uh, wives--of politicians
And they find out that their husbands cheated
That they did drugs with prostitutes
That they're corrupt, sometimes
But mine...

You know...

How do they do it?

How they stand up there
And hold their husband's hands
And say everything's fine
After finding out...

Oh Lord

I'm jealous

The truth is I'm jealous of them
Because, truthfully, I wish I could do
What they do

I wish I could unsee what I saw

I wish it didn't matter
But...

I'm not that way, you know?

So now what?

Somebody tell me
Now what?