Twenty

"Is that your girlfriend over there?"
"Uh, sorry?"
"Is she your girlfriend?"
"Uh, yes.  She is."
"Huh.  Wow."
"Uh, yeah, she's...very pretty."
"Yes, she is.  But that's not why I was...ha."
"What?"
"I'm surprised."
"What?  That I have a pretty girlfriend?"
"Oh no, not that she's pretty.  That she...exists."
"You know, it's been awhile since I've dealt with a crazy Starbucks person, so I'm not sure I speak the language anymore.  Are you actually questioning the reality of my girlfriend?"
"I just didn't expect you to have a girlfriend."
"Because I'm--"
"Okay, are we really going to do this?"
"I'd like to not do anything, but at this point, I'm intrigued."
"Because you're...?"
"...............Ohhhhhhhhhhh c'mon!"
"Are you shocked that I made that call?"
"I mean, no, not really.  You're not the first person to think that, but it's getting a little annoying."
"You say that as if all the people who've thought that about you conspired together to make you question yourself."
"Oh, I don't question.  Believe me, there's no question."
"And yet so many other people seem to have questions.  So many other unrelated people--"
"Not all of them were unrelated.  My sisters both think I am."
"You know, I'm beginning to think I'm going to win this case."
"It's all judgement.  Because I do this or that--you know, as a gay person you should really be offended that people would--"
"Who said I was gay?"
"Uh, well--"
"No, it's fine.  Of course, I'm gay.  Why would a straight guy give a shit if another guy is gay?  Unless, we were like, in a platoon together or something."
"But see, I wouldn't assume based on the way you act--"
"You should always assume things based on the way people act.  How else would you know who people are?"
"Some people are fake."
"Actually, they act fake."
"But how can you tell?"
"If you're not discerning enough to know somebody's being fake, that's your problem.  It doesn't make them any less fake."
"What the hell is this guy doing in there?"
"Didn't you see him go in?  He's crazy.  He's probably halfway finished building a yurt by now."
"Look, I don't want to have a philosophical discussion about my sexuality in line at a Starbucks bathroom with a total stranger.  I really just need to pee and then my girlfriend and I are going to the opera."
"Who got the tickets?"
"I did."
"For her?"
"One's for her, yes."
"But I mean, who wanted them?"
"We both like the opera."
"So she asked for them."
"She didn't ask.  I surprised her."
"So you wanted them?"
"We both.  Enjoy.  The opera."
"She hates the opera."
"How do you know that?"
"I'm guessing, but you confirmed."
"Oh my God."
"I double-downed.  It was a good choice."
"It doesn't mean anything."
"Then why spin it?"
"Why am I even talking about this with you?"
"Is she submissive?"
"What?"
"Your girlfriend.  Is she submissive?"
"Okay, this was amusing.  But now it's getting creepy."
"I don't mean sexually.  I'm not asking if you tie her up and throw ham at her.  I'm just saying--in life--is she generally a go-along kind of person?"
"Why do you care?"
"Okay, so she is."
"She's assertive."
"No, she's not."
"Yes, she is."
"She's letting you drag her to the opera--"
"I'm not drag--"
"--She's not assertive.  She doesn't speak up.  She doesn't ask questions.  She's not as attractive as you are, so she's sooo glad to have you.  She will never leave you.  She will never wonder about you or anything, really.  And if she could be nine months pregnant with four of your kids at once right at this moment, she would be.  Everything about this is so typical."
"I'm offended."
"You're offended because I called you typical.  You don't mind someone thinking you're gay, but somebody thinking you're common pisses you off.  That's why you're staying right where you are.  Not because you're not ready to come out, but because coming out would prevent you from being something more than average."
"And how do you know all this?"
"Well--"

(He takes his hand out of his pocket, revealing a ring on his finger.)

"--Takes one to know one, I guess."
".........."
"Tell you what, why don't you tell your girlfriend we started talking about golf and that I was looking for a golfing buddy."
"I've never played golf in my life."
"Then you won't miss it."
"I've never talked to her about golf."
"Will she care?"
"Probably not."
"What's your name?"
"Johnathon with an 'h' Joseph Branson."
"That's how I'll find it on Facebook?"
"Pretty easy with the 'h.'"
"Fantastic.  It's been a pleasure talking to you.  Do me a favor, when the crazy guy comes out of the bathroom, give him this."

(Hands JOHNATHON a twenty dollar bill.)

"Why?"
"Because he did me a favor."

(He knocks on the door, and goes in.  JOHNATHON looks at the twenty dollar bill.)

The End