What We Do With Our Dicks

My wife asked me the other day
She said--and she was serious--

'What do you men do with your dicks?'

And I thought--

Well...to be honest
I've never really thought about it

I mean, there's the obvious things
Pee
Fuck
Masturbate

Those are sort of the
Top three
But beyond that?

Huh

Is there more?
Could there be more?
Do other men
Do more
With theirs
Than what I do
With mine?

So I asked around
And it turns out
I've been neglecting the many possibilities
My dick has been presenting to me

Women and joke and say 'Men think with their dicks'
And we do

We get all mad when they say that

But the truth is

Though we may not think WITH our dicks

We certainly think for our dicks

We do things and think

Is what I'm doing right now

Eventually going to wind up

Helping my dick in some way

Later on down the line

See, I wasn't thinking that way

Because I have a wife

Who is fascinated by me

And my dick

And so my dick is never worried

About where its next meal is coming from

And I don't mean to sound crude

But this sort of is what it is

If you know what I mean

See, I have friends who don't just screw with their dicks

They screw things up too

They screw people over

They screw themselves into a wall

Literally, screw themselves

Fucking nail themselves

To a problem

And the bigger the dick

The harder it is to pull out

Of a problem

I'm talking about a problem

Keep up here

Okay?

I'm not saying I don't have a big dick

But if you're thinking about the size of my dick

It means your dick

Or the dick of your man

Is insufficient

Otherwise you would never think

About anything

Except the dick

At your disposal

The thing is--

I pee

Mostly I pee

That's what I do with my dick

I don't play with my dick

And by that I mean I don't toy around

Making puppets with my dick

Because there are professionals for that

I don't donate sperm

I don't pierce anything in that area

But God love the people who do

I don't try to teach my dick tricks

Because my dick is not a puppy

So no, I don't get hard

And then use it as a launching pad

Because I'm not a fucking moron

No, I fuck my wife

I pee

I masturbate--as infrequently as humanly possible

Because I'm getting too fucking old for it

To be quite frank

With you

I told my wife all this

My uses

My three basic uses

And she said--

I'd like to have one

For a day

I'd like to have one

And see what it feels like

And I looked right at her

And I said--

'What are you talking about?  You have mine everyday.'

And the smile on her face

When I said that

Told me that I had done a good thing

For my dick that day

Yes, my dick

Was very pleased

And my wife--

Well, my wife is always pleased

Because instead of thinking for my dick

I think for her

And somehow in the process

My dick makes out

Just fine