Your Ugly F**king Boyfriend

So I see you have an ugly fucking boyfriend

Sorry, is that--

Am I being too--

Direct?

Or--mean?

Or something

Sorry

But to be honest
Your boyfriend's fucking ugly
And I doubt you're unaware of this
Becauuuuuuuuuse, if you recall
I asked you out awhile ago
And you sort of ha ha ha -ed me
With that very clear sort of--

'I'm out of your league'--smile

Which is fine

I accept the fact
That some people
Are out of my league

I was a little more hesitant
To accept that you were out of my league
But we'll put that on the back burner for the moment
And just focus on what I saw
A few months later
When I logged onto Facebook
And saw that you
Were in a relationship
With someone who is--
Uh, well

Fucking ugly

I'm sorry, but did you go through some sort of rom-com
Self-awareness, sensitivity training thing
Where suddenly you value personality
Above all else?

Did a witch put a spell on you
Or did you hit your head
Or are you just one of those weird fuckers
Who like dating ugly fucking people
And then try to make the rest of us feel
Like that's just a type

Like, 'Oh yeah, my boyfriend's fucking ugly
But, you know, that's just my type'

No

You're fucking crazy
And he's fucking ugly
And neither one of those two things
Are types

Now, I'm sure he's nice
I'm positive
That he's nice
Hell, he's probably two degrees
From sainthood
Because, let's face it
If he looked like that
And happened to be a complete asshole
There'd have to be a law
Against him even existing

And if I sound like I'm a jerk
For pointing all this out
Then please let me assure you
That every friend, family member
Co-worker, and passerby on the street
Feels exactly the same way I do
Unless they're some hippie flower chick
Who doesn't see appearance
And who the fuck cares what those wackos
Think anyway, right?

The point is

You turned me down
Then turned around
And got an ugly fucking boyfriend
And I would like
To thank you for that

Because just when I thought
I couldn't feel any worse about being me
I flipped on my laptop
And suddenly there was you
And your ugly fucking boyfriend

And suddenly there two people other than me
That I absolutely
Would not
Want to be