Well, you're not Superman
And I'm like--Gee, little shit
Thanks so much
I hadn't realized
That I wasn't Superman
Until you just said that to me
Was he expecting Superman?
Did someone tell him Superman
Takes time out of his day
To go visit little orphans
In Gotham City
Because trust me--
He doesn't
Only good ole Batman
Is dumb enough to do that
So then the orphan says to me
'So, like, you don't have any superpowers or anything, right?'
And I want to say--
'No, kid, all I have is the most massive intelligence ever in the history of anyone
And amazing gadgets
And a CAVE
And I make out with Catwoman
But no, other than that
I'm really a snooze'
Because, like, that's the only thing people ask is--
Why don't you have superpowers?
Even though it should be way more impressive
To defeat villains
Without superpowers
Like, how does The Green Lantern ever lose at anything?
Can someone explain that to me?
He basically can do anything
And create anything
And so how does he not just win
All the time
Forever?
Meanwhile, I'm going up against, like, twisted psychopaths
Who, for some reason, occasionally like to join up to fight me
And I have to do it
With no superpowers
You know what I should have said to that kid?
I should have been like--
Don't you think I'd like to have some alien ship
Crash into my cave
And give me, like, the ability to melt stone
Or turn myself into a giant frog
That could just eat The Riddler?
But that's not really in the cards
So instead
I just have to be badass
Which I am
So shut up
Take your picture with me
And then go back to having nobody love you
But I didn't
I just gave him a pat on the head
And was like--ho ho ho you're funny
Because when in doubt
I just turn into Santa Claus
Apparently
But from now on
I'm going to act like a dignified
Crimefighter
So after I cut the ribbon
At that new Whole Foods next week
I'm done
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