The Architect I'm Not

The plan was to become an architect
That's why they sent me to Chicago
Because I was all--

'Send me to Chicago
They have architecture school there!'

When really
I just wanted to go to Chicago

So they send me
And I kind of screw around
But then I get this pretty awesome job
As a manny
And at night I paint
And, you know, drink and stuff

And I'm good for money
Because, you know, my parents send it to me
Like, regularly
And they're all like--'This is tuition for your architectural education.'
And I'm all--'Well, it's definitely for an education.'
I'm just not really saying what kind

But now it's been four years
And they're sort of, like, expecting to come here
And see me being an architect
Like, they're expecting a graduation or something

Okay, sorry, I'm lying

It's been seven years
Because, you know, to become a fake architect
You have to go to grad school

Technically eight years
Because I took a year off
Because becoming a fake architect
Was really stressful on me

Oh, look, don't feel bad for my parents
And they're diminishing bank accounts

My mother's family bought GM stock
Back when that was a good idea
She's basically one gold-filled vault away from being Scrooge McDuck

Not that I'm not wrong for, you know, deceiving her
But, you know, my whole life
She offered to pay for me to go to school and learn shit
And then I turn eighteen and she's like--

'No, you're going to learn the shit I want you to learn'

And I'm all--

'Oh, I thought I was getting a present
But I guess I'm getting a goldfish.'

You know like when someone gives you a goldfish
And says it's a present
And you're like--

'No, asshole, presents don't need to be fed six times a day'

Sorry

I always killed my goldfish
So maybe there are some accuracy issues in that statement

The point is
She was like--'Become an architect'
And I was like--'Fine'
But really I was like--'I'm going to do what I want and figure out the rest later'
Which isn't so much my policy
As it is a generational motto

Now she's coming here with my dad
And they're going to be like--

'Hey there, Mr. Architect, have you built anything yet?'

And I'm going to be like--

'Architects build stuff?'

Because I just looked that up
And I guess that's what they do

No, really, that's what they do
I'm not kidding
Like, they don't call them builders
I had no idea

...I'm kidding

I'm not dumb

I just prefer not to deal with the burdens of intelligence

I wanted to be young
And have fun
And screw up
And live in a city
And make love to beautiful women
And paint shit
And be somebody who actually knew something about the world
The whole world
And not just the inside
Of a classroom

My mom's going to be pissed
And that's cool, I get that
But, you know, she sent me here
To become an adult

'Go get a degree
Learn something
Be a grown-up'

Well, guess what, Mom?
I'm a grown-up

I really am

I just grew a different way, you know?

Maybe I kinda grew away from my mom
Maybe that was the point

But now she's going to show up
And say--'What have you learned?'

Well...

I've had eight years of everything but architecture

Maybe that's something
I can build on