My Son Who Looks Like a Girl

So my son looks like a girl

I could sugarcoat it
But why waste your time
Am I right?

He's got girlface

When he was a baby
People used to come up to us
And say what's her name?

And my wife would get all upset
And say--'It's a boy.'

But then she made us name him after her father
And her father's name was Leslie
So we weren't helping things any

His hair also grew in this sort of...bob
Until he was about six
No matter how we cut it
There it was--a bob

He looked like a little Lois Lane
Sitting there in his stroller

Anyway, I made my peace with it
A long time ago

He was a well-behaved normal kid
And I figured one day
He'd grow up
To be a drag queen
Or an Italian citizen

You know, something where he could really take advantage
Of all his andromisty

Well, one day, he comes home from school
And he's all upset
Because some kid made fun of him
Said he had gayface

I felt like finding that little asshole
And telling him
That having gayface
And having girlface
Aren't the same thing

Lots of boys who look like girls like girls

David Bowie
Sting
Anybody who's ever played a vampire

My kid was crying his eyes out
Face down on his bed

And my wife's all--
'Go talk to Leslie.  Make him feel better.  You're his father.'
And I'm thinking--
You're the one who named him Leslie
Most of this is your fault

But instead I just went
And sat on his bed
And told him I loved him
And that other kids are mean
And the only thing you can do about it
Is tell yourself that one day
You'll be speaking Italian
And eating cannolis
And they'll be doing stupid shit
Like drinking lite beer
Or betting on cockfights

He put his little chicken arms around me
And told me he loved me
Then he said 'Thanks for being okay with me, Dad'

I said--'What the hell are you talking about?
You're my kid.'

You're not supposed to have opinions about your kids
You're just supposed to love them

Every idiot knows that

So I wiped the tears
Off his little lady face
And told him to hit the showers

My wife asked me how everything went
I told her we should have named him Steve
But that other than that
He was fine

'You know,' she said, 'Even though you're a big idiot
I still love the hell out of you'

You only get one family
And in the grand scheme of things
You don't get 'em for very long
So why waste time trying to change 'em?

Just love 'em, you know?

Trust me
It's the easiest way to go