The Girl at the Gym Who Judges Me

There's this girl at the gym who judges me
She doesn't verbally judge me

But I look across the room at her
And she's just standing around
With her water bottle
And I'll inadvertently catch her eye

And she'll judge me
Clear as a judging bell

And you know what I don't understand about her?

She never works out

I'm not kidding
She's in great shape
But I never actually see her
Working out at the gym

She just stands around
With her water bottle
Talking to the guy
Who looks like an 80's action hero

And here I am
On the cycle
Sweating up a storm
Losing maybe--MAYBE--a tenth of a pound
If I'm lucky
And she's just standing there like--

'La la la oh you're so funny 80's Action Hero Guy'

--and--

'Look at that cow on the cycle!  Who comes to gyms to work out?'

Yesterday, I actually quietly stalked her
All around the gym
Just to prove that I'm not crazy
And sure enough
I'm not

Because she was there
For two and a half hours
And not once did she use a machine
Or lift a weight
Or even spot somebody!

And here I was thinking I was nuts
When the whole time
She's using the gym
Just to meet guys!

So I confronted her in the shower

Don't ask me why she's showering
It's not like she breaks a sweat
Maybe she's hoping some man will wander in there by accident
And give her what she's been coming for

So I tapped her on the shoulder
And I said--'Excuse me'
And she turns around all huffy
Like I'm bothering her or something
And says--'Yessss, can I help you?'

So I say--'Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice
That you come here a lot
And you don't seem to be using any of the equipment.
Are you confused about how to do that?
Because I'd be happy to show you
How the machines work'

See what I did?

I was all nice
But really what I'm saying is--

'I'm onto you, bitch'

So she says
She ACTUALLY says--

'I don't come here to work out'

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

So I say--

'Well then, what do you come here for?'

And she says--

'To find a husband'

Well, you could have knocked me over
Right there
Right into her puddle
Of lies

I said--'Listen, people come to the gym to work out.
To get men
If you go to the supermarket and stand around long enough
You better be buying an onion'

Well she got all upset
And went and told the manager
That a crazy woman verbally assaulted her in the shower
And I said--'Well at least now she's verbally judging me
Instead of just doing it with her eyes!'
Which admittedly, did not help my case

So I had to find a new gym

But at least at this one
All the women work out
And look gross together

Now that's what I call
Sisterhood