The Pup Nuptial

(A lawyer's office.  Conference room.)

MR. FERM:  Almost finished.  Just sign there.
SALLY:  I'm so glad we decided to do this.  Not that we're going to need it or anything.
BRIAN:  Of course not.  This is just something people do.
SALLY:  Just because.
BRIAN:  Absolutely.
SALLY:  Absolutely.
MR. FERM:  Absolutely.  Lots of people who have no intention of getting a divorce get a pre-nup.  It's just a precaution.
SALLY:  Exactly.
BRIAN:  A precaution for something that's never going to happen.
MR. FERM:  Of course not.  There's just one more thing.
SALLY:  Another signature?
BRIAN:  Probably a hidden fee.
MR. FERM:  Not at all.  Just an agreement.  The government's found that people aren't taking marriage seriously enough, so they're trying to make it more difficult for people to get divorced.
SALLY:  Well, that's wonderful.
BRIAN:  They're absolutely right.  People are entering into marriage far too casually.
SALLY:  So what are they doing to help prevent that?

(MR. FERM puts a pet carrier on the table.)

SALLY:  What's that?
MR. FERM:  A puppy.
BRIAN:  Are you going to give that to us?
SALLY:  Do we have to take care of it to prove that we're responsible adults?  Because my father was a llama breeder, so I'm very good with animals.  I can assure you that--
MR. FERM:  No, no, no.  Nothing like that.  We wouldn't force a puppy on you.
BRIAN:  Good, because I'm allergic to unconditional love.  Some sort of psychomatic condition.
SALLY:  I always have to assure him that my love is purely based on a large number of factors written down on a list I keep on my person at all times.
BRIAN:  It comforts me.
MR. FERM:  That's...interesting.
BRIAN:  So what's the puppy for then?
MR. FERM:  Well, if you end up getting divorced, we kill it.

(A beat.)

SALLY:  I'm sorry.
MR. FERM:  We kill the puppy.
BRIAN:  You kill the puppy?  (Pointing to the carrier.)  That puppy?

(MR. FERM laughs.)

MR. FERM:  Goodness, no.
SALLY:  Then what--
MR. FERM:  Not if you stay together for awhile.  Then we'd just be putting down an old dog, and what's the harm in that?  No, a puppy would be chosen at the appropriate time.  Probably the day you file.  They're now keeping whole rooms full of them down at the courthouse.
BRIAN:  You mean to tell us if our marriage breaks up, you murder an innocent animal?
MR. FERM:  Of course not.  The government isn't run by a bunch of barbarians.
SALLY:  Oh.
MR. FERM:  You'll have to kill the puppy.
BRIAN and SALLY:  What?
MR. FERM:  If you want the divorce, that is.
SALLY:  That's awful!
MR. FERM:  Well, there's really nothing to worry about.  It's not like you're planning on getting a divorce.  You're in this for the long haul, I assume?
SALLY:  Of course, but--
MR. FERM:  The pup nuptial is no different than the pre-nuptial.  It's just another precaution.
BRIAN:  Uh, but, the thing is...Sometimes...occasionally...people...change, and--
MR. FERM:  Of course, of course.  People change.  That's why it's so wonderful to see two people so committed to each other that they'd be willing to spend the rest of their lives together even knowing that at any point, one or both of them could wake up a totally new person.
SALLY:  Uh, Mr. Ferm--
MR. FERM:  And that person could be a total moron.  Or a cheater.  Or a sociopath.  Who can say, right?
BRIAN:  Exactly.  What you're saying is exactly--
SALLY:  That's why we can't say for sure we'll be together forever.  I mean, nobody's ever really THAT sure.  And if we do end up separating, neither one of us wants to have to kill a puppy!
MR. FERM:  But you have to be sure.  Otherwise, why get married?
SALLY:  Well...
BRIAN:  Well...
SALLY:  I want to make my sisters jealous.
BRIAN:  I like home-cooked meals.
SALLY:  I'm pushing thirty.
BRIAN:  I feel the urge to produce an heir.
SALLY and BRIAN:  I'm bored.
SALLY:  And we already sent out the invitations.
MR. FERM:  Look, if anything, all this will do is deepen your commitment to each other.  After all, once you agree to the pup nuptial, the only way you'll get out of your marriage is if one of you hates the other person so much, they're willing to kill a puppy in order to divorce them.
SALLY:  I could never hate Brian that much!
BRIAN:   How exactly would we be killing the puppy?
MR. FERM:  By stoning.
BRIAN:  Stoning?  I'd have to stone the puppy?
SALLY:  Well, no, you wouldn't.  Only if you wanted to divorce me.
BRIAN:  Which of course I don't--won't--but...I was...curious.
SALLY:  I mean, you'd have to hate me to my very core to stone to death a poor defenseless creature.
BRIAN:  And it's...very unlikely that will ever be the case, but...
SALLY:  Brian!
BRIAN:  Sally, come on!  We have to really consider this.
MR. FERM:  Consider the marriage, not the puppy.  A dead puppy is sad, but a dead marriage means two people wasted years of their lives with someone they didn't belong with.
SALLY:  It's not necessarily a waste.  It's not like they make you give back the wedding gifts!
BRIAN:  Sally, I think we need more time.
SALLY:  What?!?!?
BRIAN:  I can't say that I'm willing to roll the dice when it comes to puppy killing.
SALLY:  Brian, we've known each other for six months.  How much more time do you want?!?
BRIAN:  Enough time to know that I'm in it for life.
SALLY:  Brian, nobody gets married thinking it's for life!
MR. FERM:  That's actually in the vows.  The 'for life' part.
SALLY:  We had that taken out.  Along with 'sickness and health.'  I mean, what if a bus hits him and I'm stuck with a coma patient?  I'm just supposed to hang around for thirty years reading him newspaper articles and mopping his forehead with a wetnap?
BRIAN:  Sally, I'll marry you, but what if you end up wanting to leave me?  Forget about the possible bus accident, what if you just get tired of me?  Are you willing to kill the puppy?
SALLY:  No!  I would work through our issues.
BRIAN:  And if you couldn't?
SALLY:  Then I'd...
BRIAN:  You'd...?
SALLY:  I'd...
MR. FERM:  You'd what?

(SALLY stands up.)

SALLY:  Mr. Ferm, I think we're going to need more time.
MR. FERM:  I think that's a good idea.

(He puts the carrier down.)

BRIAN:  Are we the only couple that's changed their minds because of this new...plan?
MR. FERM:  Oh no, many people have.
SALLY:  Has anyone actually...killed their puppy?

(MR. FERM looks down in shame.)

SALLY:  Mr. Ferm!
BRIAN:  You killed a puppy just to get a divorce?
MR. FERM:  It was a kitten.
SALLY:  A kitten?
MR. FERM:  Yes, when it's your third marriage, they make you stomp a kitten.
BRIAN:  Dear God!
SALLY:  Your THIRD marriage?
MR. FERM:  Here's hoping the fourth one lasts.  I really like my mother.

(BRIAN and SALLY look at each other.)

The End