The Villain's New Assistant

Christopher!

Christopher, you over-drugged the secret agent
Now he's unconscious in the Chamber of Evil
And I can't wake him up
To tell him my secret plan

Kill him?

Christopher, you don't kill the secret agent
Until you tell them
Exactly what your plan is

Those five hours are a crucial part
Of the overall spy-murdering process

Who did you work for before I hired you?

Well, maybe Dr. Cruelty likes to just up and kill his secret agents willy nilly
Without giving them at least fifteen ways of escaping
But I take pride in my art

Did you remember to feed John Tesh?

I've told you time and again
Koalas get very testy
If you don't feed them a Peruvian monk
At least twice a day

Now I'm never going to get him to play the piano
And my mother's coming by later

That reminds me, I hope you remembered to clean my Death ray
Because I plan on using it on Mother

I'm going to use the soothing sounds of John Tesh the Koala
To lull her into feeling secure
And then WHAM!--because she feels even more secure when listening to George Michael
And then POW!--Death ray!

No, Christopher, you cannot clean the Death ray with windex!

It's a Death ray
Not a glass coffee table!

Now I'm going to have to try
Bludgeoning her over the head
With my copy of Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
And I haven't even finished it yet!

Christopher, I don't know if this is working
I enjoy having an assistant
But quite frankly
You're incompetent

Just the other day
I asked you to hit the red button
To blow up Antarctica
And you hit the blue button
And blew up Papua New Guinea instead

Nobody even noticed!

I think you might need to find a new evil villain to work for
Someone a little less fastidious than I am
Perhaps Michael J. Fox
Or Candice Bergen

I hate firing people, Christopher
To be honest, most of the time
I just Death ray my former assistants
But since you've screwed that up

I guess I have no choice
But to let John Tesh
Have his way with you

Now, please put on this eucalyptus sweater
And get into the Portal of Screams

The name is misleading
You actually can't hear the screams

We really should call it something else

Maybe renaming it
Will be the job
I give my next assistant