Sunday, September 9, 2012

The First Friggin' Day of School


Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

You're gonna be late
For your first day of school!

You know who was late for THEIR first day of school?
Your Uncle Jimmy
Where is he now?
Dead, Benny
He died two years ago from a clogged artery
And thirty-seven years ago
He was late for his first day of fifth grade

Those are the facts, Benny
Listen to your  mother

That kid's gonna put me in an early grave
Next to my brother Jimmy
And who the frig wants to hear
His mouth again?

I stayed up all night
Doing Benny's summer reading packet
And let me tell you something

People who write books
Hate children

I would have written that in the packet
But if Benny stays back a year
I may as well tattoo the words 'never getting married'
Right onto his forehead

They make these books so big
You can't read them unless that's all you do
All summer long

Who wants to spend a whole summer
Reading Tom Sawyer?

He paints a fence
It's not exactly a page-turner

Then I had to go to the store yesterday
And buy a nice folder
To put the packet in
And folders are six dollars a piece

SIX FRIGGIN' DOLLARS

You know what a folder is?

It's two pieces of paper
Glued together

Take two pieces of paper
Glue 'em together
Put a six-dollar price tag on it
Bing bang boom--you got a folder

Why?

Because they know we need folders

The school supplies people wait until September
And then start charging forty-two dollars for pencil sharpeners

They should shoot people who charge that much for school supplies
This is America

If a staple remover costs eight ninety-nine
It means something ain't right
And somebody should be shot

BENNYYYYYYYY!

If I burn these pancakes, you're still eating them!
I don't believe in wasting food, Benny!
That's why I buy everything canned!

You know, I always get choked up
When that little friggin' monster goes to school every year
He keeps getting older and older
And I keep praying to God to make him age backwards
Like when Brad Pitt played that raisin
In that movie I fell asleep in the middle of

I want Benny to that sweet little baby again
Who couldn't talk or move
Or leave his jacket at his friend's housebennyyoubetTERGETTHATJACKETBACKSOHELPMEGOD!

One day I'll be driving him to college
And then I'll drive home
And throw myself off a cliff
Because what'll be the point of living
If I can't keep packing those little lunch boxes
And ironing those little shirts?

I'm a mother
That's all I know how to do
Stay up all night doing summer reading packets
And making pancakes right out of the box from scratch

And does he appreciate it?

No

Do I care?

Not a bit

That friggin' kid

...What the hell am I going to do until next summer when he's home everyday again?

Any ideas?

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