Dorothy Parker Needs to Shut the F**k Up

Millie?

Millie are you there?

It's Patricia

Patricia, Millie

We ate together yesterday

I had the cucumber salad
And you had half the restaurant

Yes, now you remember

Millie, I've called to tell you that I've had it

I've HAD it

Dorothy has gone too far this time

She made a comment about my hat

My HAT, Millie

The one I had made in Paris
The one I had shipped over from Paris
The one I told everyone was from Paris!

I told Dorothy that it was a gift--

All right, so perhaps I fibbed a bit, Millie
But just a bit

I told her that it was a gift from Pierre in Paris

And she said--

'Well, darling, I could have told you it was a gift from France.  After all, it makes you look just like the Statue of Liberty.'

I know, Millie!

It doesn't even make any sense!

But all the men laughed anyway

Laughed uproariously
As if she'd just invented the knock, knock joke

I wasn't about to let her get away with it

I told her that she was being very rude

'Well, Patricia,' she said, 'I know I am, but I thought you'd appreciate it since you love a good French influence.'

Ohhhh more laughter

Roger nearly urinated
Right there on the patio

I was HUMILIATED

Let me tell you something, Millie
That Dorothy Parker needs to shut the f**k up

You heard me, Millie

Normally, I don't like to use language like that
But that b***h just brings it out of me

I mean, when I think about how she speaks
As if there won't be any repercussions--

Because let's face it, there won't be

Everybody thinks she's just delightful!

Well, the men anyway
The men think she is

Well, good, let them

Let's just hope she never needs help buying a pair of shoes or a floral bouquet
Roger won't be any good to her then

Oh, I can never wear that hat again
Because of that f**king a**hole

Millie, stop swooning
You married a navy man for godsakes
My obscenities should make you feel right at home

I'll tell you something else, Millie
That piece of s**t is de-invited
To my Valentine's Day brunch

She can just go f**k herself from A to B
That's what I have to say about that

Let's see her tell jokes to her empty living room
I'm sure those hideous armchairs of hers
Will find her quite hysterical

Maybe next time she'll reconsider being so rude

What?

Your husband?

What about--the German measles?

Oh Millie, that's terrible

I'd love to comfort you
But I have to make sure the guest wing is being properly cleaned

If I don't watch the help
They try to get away with only dusting everything once every other day
And in a house this size
That's like not dusting at all

But please do me a favor
If Dorothy comes to check in on your husband while he's sick
Please tell her that I said she can go **** while **** twice in the ****
And finish with a **** and three ****

Will you remember that?

Thank you, Millie

You're such a dear