1. I should not have eaten that cake today. I told myself not to. I ate a carrot. I felt fine. Three o'clock rolled around. I ate the cake. I ate half the cake. Because, once I ate one slice, it was like, what the hell? Eat more. You're already a ruined woman. So there went half the cake. Then Clyde came into the staff room and saw half the cake gone, and I looked at him and said--'Better eat the rest of this before Carrie comes back in.' I blamed Carrie with the thyroid problem. I'm an awful person.
2. I dyed my hair brown. I kept saying 'I could have brown hair. I could have brown hair.' I talked myself into it. Now I look like a heroin addict. Me with blonde hair? Lovely. Me with brown hair? Track marks and ugly sofas. And I was going to dye it red after I dyed it brown. I had a whole dyeing mission planned over the course of the year. That would have been mistake number three. Clyde came into the staff room today and saw me with this giant hat on from this Halloween party I went to last year where I went as Maggie Smith. 'My hairdresser is autistic,' I said, 'High functioning, but, you know.' I'm an awful person.
3. I had sex with Rory. His name is Rory. Rory. Ugh. I was lonely. I had just watched 'Notting Hill' and I was lonely and Rory sort of looks like Hugh Grant if Hugh Grant weren't at all attractive in any way, so I texted him, and then he texted me, and...Ugh...I actually had to ask. I had to ask him to come over. And he sort of didn't want to because it was late, so then I had to...promise things...that I'd...do things...and so he came over, and it was terrible, and then he spent the night, and I woke up next to him, and he told me that brown hair looks like shit, and I told him his dick shouldn't even considered a dick, it should be considered a nipple, because that's closer to what it is, and he left in a huff, and I realized I was running late, and I had to go to work wearing the same clothes I wore the night before because I didn't have time to pick out an outfit, and when Clyde came into the staff room today and saw me I said--'My mother died last night.' I'm an awful person.
4. I bought my nephew pornography. He wanted this book, and his mother said he couldn't have it, and I thought she was being a fascist--I mean, the kid is fifteen and for his birthday he wants a book. She should be thrilled, right? Who cares if they sell it in the Adult Fiction section of Barnes and Noble? It's just Adult Fiction. It wasn't wrapped in brown paper. So I buy him the book thinking I'm just being Naughty Aunt Trisha, and that giving things to children that their parents don't want them to have is the purpose of aunts and grandmothers, but apparently my sister wasn't being a fascist--for the first time in her life--and the book is this incredibly torrid novel which, in graphic detail, depicts a wild sex orgy that takes place over weeks. There are pictures in the book--lots of pictures--taken by the author during an ACTUAL wild sex orgy--and Barnes and Noble keeps this in regular Adult Fiction because it won the National Book Award but high schoolers are reading it because one of the pictures shows a woman getting...uh...anyway, it was mortifying when my nephew opened up that book at his birthday party, and my sister loses her mind immediately, and tries grabbing it from him, but she only manages to grab half of it, and the book pulls apart--apparently, it's very poorly made--and so pages go flying everywhere, and one lands on my mother--who is not dead, despite what I told Clyde--and that happens to be the page with the photo on it of the woman getting...uh...and my mother passed out. The next day, in the staff room, when Clyde saw me writing an apology note to my sister, I said--'I ran over her dog.' I'm an awful person.
5. I peed in my neighbor's yard. I got locked out of my house, and I really had to pee, and I was convinced he was at work, and I would have peed in my yard, but then I would have had to sterilize my yard because I'm a germophobe, and I know urine is sterilizing, but it's still urine, and I'm convinced my neighbor's not a germophobe, because he has huge patches of dirt in his yard, which no germophobe would have, so what does he care if I pee in his yard especially if he doesn't know about it except it turns out that he was sick that day with food poisoning from the strudel I baked for the block party, and there he is, vomiting in the privacy of his bathroom, when he lifts his head up, and sees me, hunched over, with my dress pulled up, urinating in his yard on one of his dirt patches, right next to his daughter's Princess House. When Clyde came into the staff room today and saw me looking at real estate listings, I said--'I just found out I live down the street from a child molester.' I'm an awful person.
6. I was determined to remake the strudel and get it right. I gave it to my sister as a peace offering. She's been throwing up ever since. When Clyde walked into the staff room and saw me shredding the recipe, I said--'My mother used to make this.' I'm an awful person.
7. I bought myself a necklace that costs more than my car. Some company just sent me a new credit card in the mail. They sent me a letter too. It said something like--'We've noticed that all your other cards are maxed out and you haven't been making payments, so here's another card to reward your bad behavior and ensure that you'll be homeless in a year.' I was holding that card in my sweaty little hand when I saw the necklace and it looked just like the one Audrey Hepburn wears in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and I just found out that I gained five pounds but not in my neck so I could still wear the necklace and I don't have a boyfriend and Rory told me he got some girl pregnant and my sister's not speaking to me and my neighbor wants me to pay to have his entire lawn dug up because apparently he IS a germophobe and that's why he doesn't have grass because he says grass can hide bugs that can carry germs and my mother keeps talking about that woman getting--UGH--and my nephew turned out to be gay anyway! WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A NICE NECKLACE? ...Oh right, because it was so expensive, that the gift with purchase is a laptop. When Clyde saw me wearing the necklace in the staff room, I said--'I found it in a dumpster.' I'm an awful person.
8. Clyde walked into the staff room and saw me writing out this list. I said--'What the hell are you looking at? Do you ever work? You're always in this damn staff room staring at me. Why do gay men always think they can butt into every woman's life?' It turns out he wanted to ask me out on a date. I'm an awful person.
I love this. It is wonderful. I love the irony of the piece.
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