Do you mean to tell me
That I have finally secured an heir
To the kingdom of York
Albeit the New York
And I may lose him
To his MOTHER?
What sort of devil mischief is this?
Where women have say in their child's upbringing
And older women flash their stockings at young men to seduce them
As if their sexuality hadn't fallen out of their womanly parts
Upon turning the decrepit age of twenty-four
That's a reference to my performance in 'The Graduate'
And tis neither here nor there at the moment
Give me the boy!
I must begin raising him to loathe any religion
That was not specifically created by him
And to behead any woman
That does not produce a suitable heir for him
Regardless of whether or not she is adept at foreign accents
Or creating chemistry with that human sharpei Clint Eastwood
Or singing ABBA without a touch or irony
His mother must be killed!
Preferably in front of him
Even more preferably by him
I've bought him a new axe
With his name on the handle
She has a right to see him?
SHE ABANDONED HIM!
And for no reason!
I could see if he was crippled
Or stuttered
Or perhaps was born with red hair
Then I would not only approve of her leaving him
I would suggest to her that we put him in a sack
With whatever lame kittens had been born that day
And throw the whole mess into the River of East
Does she not know the hell she has put me through
By forcing me to raise that boy on my own?
Child-rearing is not for a man
We are not given breasts from God by which to suckle
We are not given patience from God by which to listen to incessant crying
We are not given a demon uterus which tells us the secrets of womanhood
Such as how to sing a lullaby or cook a ham
I am furious at her and demand her skull on a pike!
But first see if she'll have another child with me
A woman who can produce a good man
Is hard to find
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