Helen Hunt!
What is this nonsense I hear you thinking?
Speak the foolishness you have locked inside your head
Or else I shall severe it
And shake it out onto my office floor
Like so much whore's urine!
How dare you question my ability to know what it is you desire!
I know what every woman desires!
Fresh beef and the King's seed
Resting delicately inside their sinful nethers!
Now I find out that you want love and children
And another Oscar to prove your career
Was not a giant fluke?
You're lucky I don't send you to the guillotine
And marry Marissa Tomei from Scene Two
She's an Oscar winner too
And unlike you
She doesn't furrow her brow
Like a constipated hedgehog
Every time she delivers a soliloquy
Being in this film is hurling my mind into madness
My daughter is a harlot
My secretary is a strumpet
And my therapist is played by Bette Midler!
Curse the demon who installed me
In this Greek tragedy
Helen Hunt, I demand that you throw yourself out the nearest window
It is the only way you can die with honor
England will mourn you
For as many days
As we would mourn
The royal goldfish
I'll be in my office trying to block out the thoughts
Of that lesbian dominatrix, Delta Burke
Leave the window open
Just in case I fail
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