Cocaine Is Good For You

It turns out

That cocaine

Is good for you

We know, we know
We were shocked too

But studies were done

And the studies have shown

That cocaine

Does wonders

For your health

Provided you don’t die

That’s the only catch

You have to survive

Cocaine addiction

In order to reap the benefits

Of the drug

In fact

You need to do

Three times the amount of cocaine

That the average cocaine user does

In order to see any benefits at all

But my goodness

Those benefits

Are quite

Substantial

You’re probably wondering

How exactly did we do these studies

And who participated in them

And who conducted them

And where were they done

And was there a control group
And did the people doing the study

Know what a control group was

Before they began the study

And those are all wonderful questions

Which we cannot answer

But suffice it to say

Our study was not sponsored

Or supported, in any way

By drug dealers

But it was supported

By people who might be drug dealers

Because everybody might be a drug dealer

If you think about it

Long enough

And what exactly is so shocking

About these results?

After all, we’ve been discovering

That lots of things we thought were bad for us

Are, in fact, actually good for us

Coffee, ice cream, wine

Divorce, casual sex, not having children

Why should cocaine be left off that list?

Doesn’t it make you happier?
Doesn’t it make you more productive?
Doesn’t it make you feel like you’ve got the world on a string

As you sing ‘I’ve Got the World on a String’

At a piano bar in Tokyo

On an all-inclusive trip you couldn’t afford

With some guy you met two days ago

At a party you crashed

After you did more cocaine

Than you promised yourself you were going to do

Before your boss called

And told you that if you were late one more time

He was going to fire you?

I mean, come on, that doesn’t happen with Tylenol

Hahahaha

--Unless you snort it

Our studies have shown

That if you don’t have cocaine on hand

Tylenol will work

Provided nobody tells you it’s Tylenol

And suggests, instead, that it’s cocaine

So you see

Just the suggestion of cocaine

Can make your life better

Now, we suspect that the FDA will not be happy

With what we’ve discovered

But somehow they’re just fine and dandy

Stuff like Xanax and Adderall

Well, let me tell you something

None of our studies showed anything

About how dangerous those drugs are

So I think we can safely assume

That those drugs are very, very dangerous

And we know, scientifically

That cocaine is actually wonderful

As soon as you live past

The danger

Oh, doesn’t that sound amazing?

Live Past the Danger

When we start marketing cocaine

I think that should be the slogan

‘Cocaine--Live Past the Danger’

We’re going into production on the commercial tomorrow

So we’d have to act fast

But I really think we’ve got something there

Well, I’m sure you’re all relieved to hear

The findings of our study

And I’ve got to tell you

As soon as I found out cocaine was good for you

I started doing it myself

And I have never felt better

Plus I’ve already conducted and completed several other tests

On tequila, texting while driving, and this new club drug called Thumper

The results aren’t in yet on those

But something tells me

We’re in for a lot of good news