No One Knows Why They're Attracted to Me

No one knows

Why they’re attracted

To me

It’s the craziest thing

Women walk up to me

And they’re like—

They kinda cock their heads

And just stare a little bit

And I’m like—

I know, I don’t get it either

But there’s something about me, I guess

I used to think it was me not caring about shit

And that might still be the reason

But after years of not caring about shit

I have permanent

‘I don’t give a fuck’ face

And it’s intoxicating

To the vast majority of people

Plus I drink beers

And I drink them slowly

And I hang out at bars

Where they play country music

And I have a few scars

That could have come from knife fights

But are actually just from untreated acne

So all of that could contribute

To me getting laid

All the time

I wear denim

Lots of denim

And I talk about myself
As if I have a troubled past

When really

I’m just kind of boring

And I only know a few words

So talking isn’t my, uh, thing

I smoke, but not regularly

Only after sex

And my love-making has a steady

Yet uninteresting quality about it

I kind of just live and let live

That’s my whole philosophy to—

Pretty much everything

I grunt answers

Whenever I can

Especially ones

That have to do with

How I’m feeling

Or how my day was

Or what I think of pretty much anybody

Bartenders know me

And they know my drink order

--Again, just a beer

Nothing too fancy

If possible, I would drink a bottle of something

With just the word ‘Beer’ on it

And let that be that

A woman comes up to me—

I’ll buy her a drink

But only one

After that

She’s on her own

If she wants to buy me a drink

I let her

If she wants to take me home

I let her

If she wants to scream at me

Six weeks later

About how I put up walls

And don’t let anybody love me—

I grunt

And sometimes

She tries to kill me

But that’s how

Women are

With me

Women laugh at me

Even when I don’t say anything funny

I think it’s sort of that uncomfortable laughter

That comes out of you

When you know the person you’re talking to

Is going to make you fall in love with them

Just by allowing you

To project yourself and your dreams

Onto their person

Only to never love you back

And you won’t accept it

Even when they tell you—

‘Don’t fall in love with me’

Over and over again

Because it’s just not possible

Because you gotta love somebody

And it can’t be somebody

Who loves you back

Because what would be

The point of that?

…Oh, and I like salt and vinegar potato chips

I like ‘em a lot

And that about sums me up

So…

You doing anything right now?