Toast

I’m making your mother toast

Because she’s sick
And toast is all

She can eat

Now, I may be your father

But something you should know about me now is

I am not what many people would consider to be

A quality kind of man

Your grandmother certainly didn’t think so
When I asked for your mother’s

Hand in marriage

She told me to keep walking

Don’t laugh

That’s what she said

Your mother laughed too

Because she thought

Your grandmother was joking
And your grandmother

Was not

Joking

Keep walking

I said, ‘Mrs. Spencer, I’m going to keep walking

But I’m walking away with your daughter’

And oh shit

Your grandfather had to hold

That woman back

She was fit to kill me

God as my witness

She was going

To strike me down

But oh well

I knew who I wanted

And your mother

That was it

She was my golden ticket

She was going

To get me

Into Heaven

But I had to make her toast

When she was sick

That was the deal

See, everybody’s got a deal

When you get older

You’re going to meet a woman

And she’s going to have a deal

You’re going to have a deal too
But her deal is going to come first

Because that’s every deal

Kid, that’s all the deals

And that’s just how it is

If you want to get into Heaven

You find a woman

That don’t ask for more than Heaven
And you say ‘Yup’ and ‘Yes, ma’am’
And you consider yourself lucky

Because you’re going somewhere good

Because, let me put it to you, all right?

The only way you get to Heaven

Is by treating people good in this world

And treating a good woman good

Means God’s gonna smile on you someday

Because women are his favorite

Some people are gonna tell you

That God is a woman

And that might be true

But even if it isn’t

He sure does like ‘em

And he don’t like

When men like me

Men who aren’t made up

Of quality material

Come along and steal them

From him

So he just asks that you treat ‘em right

And if you don’t

You’re in for it, boy

Oh yeah, you’re gonna get it

From Him

Trust me on that

Now go bring your mom some toast

And make sure you let her know

Who made it

Don’t go telling her

It was you

Because she can spot a lie

Like a bird spots a worm

From way up high

Only time she ever closed her eyes in her life

Was when she said she’d marry me

And she’s been blind ever since

And thank goodness for that

Because if she ever saw who she was with

She’d know that she coulda had better

Your Mom, boy

Oh believe me

She could’ve had the best

But at least she gets her toast, right?

At least she’s getting

Something

Out of me