We Called It a Disorder

Sweetheart

We told you that you have Sitkin's Disorder
Which is...not true

Sitkin's Disorder isn't real
Or maybe it is
Who knows?

There are a million disorders
And maybe there is a Sitkin's Disorder
And maybe you have it
But to our knowledge, you don't
And we told you otherwise
And for that
We're sorry

The truth is...

You're an asshole

Sorry, we should clarify that

You've always been an asshole

As a child, you were the biggest asshole
I'd ever met

Right away, almost instantly
You adopted a personality
That was so unbelievable offensive
We, as your parents, simply couldn't believe
That you were a normal child

But we took you to doctor
After doctor
After doctor

And they all said the same thing--

'There's nothing wrong with him
He's just an asshole'

I mean, they didn't use that word
Obviously
But there was sort of this implied
Like--

'There's nothing wrong with him
He's just an...'

And then they'd do this thing
Where you could tell
They wanted to say 'asshole'
But they couldn't
So one day, finally, I said--

'Asshole, right?  You want to say he's an asshole'

And the doctor, the specialist actually
One of the best
Actually sort of nodded his head
And walked away
Clearly trying to get as far away from us
As possible

But we, as your parents
Could not accept this

We couldn't just accept the fact
That we'd spawned
A little asshole
To wreak havoc
On the world

I mean, what would we say at the playground?
At birthday parties?
At play dates?

And how were we going to send you to school
Knowing everyone would hate you
Because of how awful you are?

We still love you, of course
But we're your parents
We don't have a choice
And we drink
Quite a bit

I mean quite a bit

So we came up with this plan
This idea
Your father thought of it actually
That we'd say you have...

A disorder

We called it a disorder

Not a disease
Not a disability
That would have been...insensitive
To people with, you know
Actual disabilities and diseases

So we just said it was a disorder
Because really
Doesn't everybody have a disorder?

And when you'd act up
We'd say--

'Please forgive him, he has Sitkin's Disorder'

And funnily enough
Nobody ever asked
Just what exactly
That was

They'd just nod
And pat our hand
And say they were sympathetic
And you'd go right on shaving their dog
Or hitting their child with a plastic shovel

Everybody was so willing to accept
That you were ill in some way

Maybe because everybody wants everybody else
To accept their imaginary illnesses as well

It's sort of like mutual assured destruction

I tell you I'm sick
You tell me you're sick
And really
We're both just obnoxious assholes

But now you're old enough to start asking questions
About your disorder
And doctors
And why we've only ever medicated you
With codeine and television
And so we have to 'fess up

You're an asshole, darling

We're sorry

Perhaps the worst thing we've done
Is give you an excuse
To act the way you do
Without ever trying to change
Or improve you

Not because we didn't want to
But because this way just seemed...easier

So, no, you're not sick
And yes, that's good news
But I guess overall
This conversation is sort of...unsettling

For you

Well, it can't be helped

If it's any consolation
Technically, there is something wrong with you
It's just not something
That easy
To cure