That Kid on Facebook

That kid on Facebook
Likes three
Out of my top five
Favorite movies

She has an interest in all things aquatic

Swimming, scuba diving
Her cover photo is the ocean
And her default photo
Is her holding up a fish she caught

She gets at least two posts a day
From different people
Complimenting her on how pretty she is
Or repeating an inside joke
Or just saying they love her

She is loved

This is comforting

I stand back
Behind the protection
Of another computer
On another coast
Where the water will soon be
Too cold to swim in
And the movies have stopped
Bringing me joy or comfort

Why?

Because I look at this girl
And I want to be watching the movies with her
Or swimming with her
Or teaching her how to catch more fish
Although, who knows
Maybe she's a better fisher than I am
It's possible

Children often improve
Upon their parents' skill sets

That kid on Facebook
Isn't a kid anymore

She's wearing dresses now
Bright, green and purple dresses
And make-up is slowly being introduced
Into her newly added photos

Suddenly there's lipstick
And eye-liner
And earrings that have jewels in them

God, who's giving her those?

Not my business
None of it is
None of it is any
Of my business

I gave up the right to have opinions
When her mom said--

'Pay up or shut up'

And I said--

Nothing

I shut up

She was...

Four?  Maybe five?

Old enough to know
When somebody disappears
But--

Who's to say if she really cared
You know?

I'm more involved now
Than I was then
Just by signing on everyday
And seeing what her latest status is

This is the best I can do
It's the most I'm allowed to do
And that's my own damn fault

Some people hate the Internet
I thank God for it
It's the only way
I can see my kid

She likes lobster
(Who doesn't?)
She hates string beans
(Who doesn't?)
She appreciates the Stones
(I'd be lying if I said that one didn't make me proud)

And last year
On Father's Day
She posted a status that said--

'Not my favorite day'

And I wanted to say--

Make your profile private
So that I can't see it anymore
And keep torturing myself

But torturing myself is the least I can do

The most I can do is
Write her a letter
Send her a birthday card
Call her mom and say--

I was stupid and I changed my mind
And I want to talk to my daughter
And paperwork and deals be damned
I'm going to

But instead

I signed off

Because, you know
When you're lousy at something
You don't get better
Without practice

And I opted not to practice so...

So now I read statuses
Look at photos
Watch the occasional video
And feel like a real creep

And I am, but not in that way

I was at the library
And some woman looked over my shoulder
As I was scanning pictures
Of my daughter
At what I believe was her first high school pool party
In a bikini
Thinking to myself
That whatever parent let this happen
Was a real--

Then I see the woman
Looking at me
Looking at this...girl
This teenage girl
In a bathing suit

And I start to say--

'It's okay.  I know her.  I'm just checking on her.  She's my daughter'

But then I realize
That's not true

Actually

None of it
Is true