My family
My loving family
Who have helped to make
Colson Cookies what it is
For over sixty years
To tell you--
That you're fired
Believe me
This was not an easy decision
It's one thing to fire your grandmother
But to fire her when her photo
Is on every package of cookies
Your company is distributing--
That's a whole different kind of difficult
Luckily, Grandma, our studies show
That I can replace you
With a CGI Grandma
And nobody will care
We may even make her blue
Like those smurfs from that movie Avatar
People just LOVE that movie
Dad, we'll no longer be needing you for the commercials
Because we're going to get actual actors
Who can, you know, remember their lines
'Colson Cookies--American Cookies for the American People'
How hard is that?
It took you three days to film the last commercial
And then we started getting mail from customers
Asking if you were suffering from dementia
Is that the image that we need representing this company?
And Mom...God this is tricky
You can't be in the print ads anymore
Because...
Well, Mom
I think we both know
That you've been...
Shall we say...
Sampling a little too much product lately
Oh come on, Mom
Our cookies aren't selling in Europe
Do you know why?
Because Europeans won't eat anything
That makes them pudgy
And you make it look
Like our cookies make people pudgy!
OF COURSE THEY MAKE PEOPLE PUDGY
THEY'RE COOKIES!
WE DIP THEM IN CHICKEN LARD
CASHEWS AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE
But we don't want the CUSTOMERS
Knowing that!
And besides, as long as you keep it
To one package a day
You're probably not going to balloon up so badly
That we have to take out a centerfold
In Women's Wear Daily
Just so we can fit all of you
In one advertisement!
Look, all of you
This isn't easy
I love you
You're my family
But this is my business
This is my money
And this is your money
And you all are jeopardizing
This family's money
So I had to make a hard decision
But it's one that I have made
And I'm sticking by it
You're all fired
And you'll be expected to clean out your desks
By the end of the day
Before security removes you from the building
So...
Next order of business
Who's doing Thanksgiving this year?
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