Mary's Will

I, Mary O'Donnell
Being of sound, mind, and body
A state of being that is familiar to me
Having grown up in the Midwest
Leave all my money
To my three children

Cara, Danny, Shila

All on the condition
That they spend my money

Of course, this should go without saying
Money is always spent

But I have some suggestions
Actually, no I do not have suggestions
I have CONDITIONS upon which they must abide
If they are to inherit my money

I want them to spend it
Frivolously

When I was raising them
I taught them to save
I taught them to horde
I taught them to clip coupons
And to buy on sale
And to never purchase anything
You couldn't use at least twice
And for three different reasons

I taught my kids to fear money

Now Cara rents that apartment
On that side of town
That looks like a circus sat down on it
And never left

Danny's idea of a vacation
Is a road trip to the next town over
To grab a few beers
And sing Aerosmith karaoke

And Shila gave up the ice cream brand she liked
Because the price went up
A whopping twenty cents

Now she eats the stuff
With plastic spoons

This is all my fault

Until I started thinking about delegating my finances
Post my exit from this life
I never made the connection
That spending money
And enjoying life
Can be one and the same

So now I got some money to hand out
And I'm going to make sure
That they don't stash it away
In some bank somewhere

I want them to spend it

And my lawyer informs me
That I can tell them
Exactly how to do it
And they have to
Or they have to leave it where it is

So here's my will and testament--

I want Danny to go places

I want him to go to Europe
I want him to go to Hawaii
I want him to go to ridiculous places
And eat foreign food and get food poisoning
And spend three days shacked up
In some run-down motel
Thinking he might die

Because that's life right there
And for once
Money's going to give these kids life

I want Shila to buy stuff
Lots of stuff
Stuff she doesn't need

It won't make her happy
But it'll give her a few laughs
And she'll need those laughs after I'm gone

I want her to buy that dress
I've seen her look at
Every time we go to the mall

I want her to put it on
And go to some fancy party
And drink champagne
And marry a rich guy
Who can give her even more money

I want her to stop feeling like she's nothing
Just because she doesn't have a pretty dress
Like the girls she went to school with

Her eyes and her smile
You can't buy with money
But put that pretty dress on her
And she'll be unstoppable

And then there's Cara...

I want her to buy a house
A great big old house
Somewhere nice
Where she can have her brothers and sisters over
And have great big meals
And talk about what a wacko I was

I want her to wake up every day
And look out her window
And see a good place
A nice place that she lives in
That's a part of her

And she'll know she's worth it
She's worth feeling that way

You know, my mother had every nickel she ever earned
Stashed away in coin jars
All throughout our basement

And when I was nineteen
Someone broke into that basement
And stole those jars

And my mother never even cried

You know why?

Cause she knew
She was never going to spend that money

She was probably relieved
To not have it down there
Calling out to her
Begging to go somewhere
And do something

She was held prisoner by her money
And when I had money of my own
I was the same way

But not my kids

My kids are going to spend this money

And when they do
They're going to think of their Mom
And how she taught them all the wrong things
Then took it back
And told 'em she was wrong

They're going to know
That love and laughs
And life and vacations
And dresses in store windows
And a house you can put your name on
And a meal you share with your family

Are things you can't put a price on

That's what I want them to have
When I'm gone