Giving Greta Money

I'm not giving Greta, money
Ma, I'm not giving her money

I don't care
I'm not doing it

She doesn't need money
She needs electrodes placed on her head
That's what she needs

I'm not doing it
I'm NOT doing it

Because when I give her money
She gives it to that lousy boyfriend of hers
The one who smells like onion bagels

Because she gives it homeless guys
And then they follow her around
And then she dates them
And then they leave her for other women
And then she falls into deep depression
Because homeless guys are breaking up with her

Because every time I give her money
She cries
I don't even care about the money anymore
I just can't stand seeing her cry
It's embarrassing

And she buys such tacky stuff with it

That lamp in her apartment
The one shaped like a kidney
That gives off purple light
I call it the eggplant lamp

Every time I see it
I think--

Dear God
Please tell me
That lamp
Was not purchased
With my money

I would rather she purchase
Prescription drugs on the Internet
Than crap like that
Using my money

No wonder the only men who want to date her
Smell like the ground underneath the tilt-a-whirl
At the traveling carnival

Remember when that carnie asked her out on a date

That's all we heard about for months

Her getting asked out by a carnie

Like it was Prince Charles
Asking her to ascend the throne with him

She was sooo pleased

And of course
Once she starts talking to him
He tells he needs twenty bucks
Because hasn't eaten
Because apparently carnivals
Aren't the lucrative business
They once were

And where did that twenty bucks come from?

Me
Me
Me

Well, no more, Ma
She's not getting anymore money
From me

I don't care
Not a cent

She wants to make money
She can go work at the Clam Shack
Like a respectable human being
That's what I do every summer
And you don't see me begging for money

Remember when I worked at Barb's Boutique?
She made me gather up all the hair every day
And make it into animals
So we could display it
In the store window

Did you ever try to make a giraffe
Out of human hair?

You try it
Then you'll know
What it is to EARN your salary

Have you ever spent an entire summer
Baby-sitting the Mason triplets
Getting so bored
You'd mix them up on purpose
Then tell them that taking on new identities
Is a way of life?

That's what working is

So I'm not giving Greta
Anymore money

Not a dime

I said I'd pay to have her nose done
But after that
I'm cutting her off

Severed
Just like those wild nostrils of hers will be
Once Dr. Hershenberg's done with her

Once that honker's chopped down to size
She's on her own

Because she needs to learn
A little something
About self-respect