Josh's Million Dollar Birthday

Josh wanted a million dollars
For his birthday
I'm not kidding
That's what he asked for
A million dollars

He was turning six
Six-year-olds are mini-tycoons
Mini-Scrooge McDucks
It all makes sense
If you think about it

Unfortunately
Money was a little tight
Too tight
For a million dollar birthday

So my husband, Chris
And I had to be creative

. . . . .

When Josh woke up
On the morning of his sixth birthday
He found that his entire room
Was filled with balloons

Balloons everywhere

Hanging from the ceiling
Pouring out of the closet
Taped to the walls

(Have you ever tried sticking that little nub
On the bottom of a balloon
To a wall?

It's not easy)

And on Josh's nightstand
There was a pin
And a note

It said--

'Go ahead--pop them.'

So Josh popped his balloons

And therein lied
The sugary goodness

Skittles
M&M's
Reese's Pieces

Apparently the Dollar Store down the street
Had its entire candy aisle cleaned out
The night before

Coincidentally
They were also having a sale
On balloons

By the time Josh was done popping
He had accrued an entire bedroom floor
Filled with candy

Only then did he open his bedroom door
To find a red wagon in front of it
And Emilio the Dog
Was hitched to it

(A dog we should NOT have
Because the landlord would flip
But we found him behind an Arby's
And he had sweetheart eyes
That nobody could say no to)

Once Josh was in the red wagon
Emilio the Dog trotted into the living room
Where there was a costume party going on
Featuring several strangers in masks
Who screamed with delight when Josh appeared

The guests consisted of Batman, Superman,
Wolverine, Spongebob, Richard Nixon,
Moses, Hillary Clinton, Spiderman,
Some Old Guy With a Beard
Who Could Have Either Been Moses or Ben Hur

(So Maybe it was Charlton Heston)

Mr. T, Pee Wee Herman, Lucille Ball
The Jonas Brothers, and Captain Underpants

(Apparently, the Costume Club
Was having a going-out-of-business sale
And the entire mask section was devoured
The night before
By two very silly parents

Two very silly parents
Who recruited every friend they had
A few lovely neighbors
And one extra-lovely mailman
To play costume ball
In the living room)

Josh mingled with his morning guests
Excited at the prospect
Of a party in the living room
At ten o'clock in the am
When most kids were still sleeping
On a Saturday morning

Then Lucille Ball led him into the kitchen
Where there was a HAMBURGER BUFFET!

Hamburgers everywhere
With every kind of topping

Mustard, ketchup, onions,
Relish, pickles, cucumbers,
Tomatoes--

(BARF! But some people like them--some people like Josh, and it WAS his birthday)

And Josh could have
As many hamburgers
As he wanted
Because hamburgers
Were his favorite food!

(Apparently the local deli--owned and operated
By a very nice family
Knew that it was Josh's birthday
And that he loved hamburgers
And had donated the entire feast
Which made his silly parents
Cry right in front of the meat cutter)

Josh turned around to thank Lucille Ball
For surprising him with this hamburger feast
And Lucille Ball removed her mask
Revealing his Aunt Stacey
Who he LOVED! and hadn't seen in FOUR WHOLE DAYS!

After he had eaten two hamburgers
With the WORKS

He decided to take a shower

But when he walked into the bathroom
He found that it had been turned into a ROCKETSHIP

There were glowing stars all over the walls
And glowing moons and glowing planets
And glowing letters that spelled the words

'JOSH'

And

'SPACE'

And

'WELCOME TO SPACE'

And

'SHYME'

Which was the word
That was composed
Using the left-over letters

(There had been a sale at the Sticker Shack in the mall
And every sticker relating to space had been purchased
At a very reasonable price
Since Josh's parents knew how badly
He wanted to be an astronaut)

Josh took a shower
In complete darkness
Lit only
By the light
From the sticker stars
And he was certain
He was the first boy
To ever do this

When he went into his room to change into his party outfit
He found a deep lavender leisure suit
Like something out of a sci-fi novel
Waiting for him
And not the uncomfortable shirt and tie
He had expected his mother
To set out for him

(Apparently his mother and father decided
That six-year-olds should not have to wear
Something they don't want to wear
On their birthday
And the leisure suit
Which was FAR TOO BIG for a five-year-old
But fit a six-year-old perfectly
Had been found in a box in the closet
Untouched by time or--thankfully--moths)

Josh put on his purple attire
And paraded out into the living room
Once again aided by a red wagon
And Emilio the dog

Once in the living room
Richard Nixon brought out a cake
And all the guests sang Josh's favorite song--

'Booty Fresh' by Tang

And he blew out the candles
And proceeded to eat five more hamburgers
While Uncle Russ who had been hiding under the Mr. T mask
Taught him to play poker
Which was a very adult game
And made Josh feel very adult indeed

The hours passed quickly
As the party moved onto the roof
Of the apartment building

Where tikki lights had been hung
And all of Josh's friends from school were there
Including his super cool teacher Mr. Meroda
Who let the kids have an extra recess
EVERY SINGLE DAY

(Josh's parents were very grateful for phone trees
And for Mr. Meroda
Who told Josh's parents
That Josh looked a little sick
And shouldn't he take the day off from school tomorrow?)

By the time all Josh's friends
And former Presidents had left
He was ready for bed

. . . . .

And I tucked my little boy in
And said to him--

'Honey, how do you feel?'

And he said--

'Like a millionaire, Mom.'

Mission accomplished