Ronnie's Gambling Problem

It finally happened
I've hit rock bottom

I thought I could ride the wave
At least until the end of senior year

But here I am
A junior in high school
A broken man

The first bet was innocent enough

Me and my sister took bets
On when our parents would get divorced

I said Thanksgiving

Realizing all the things
They didn't have to be grateful for
I thought that would push them over the edge

Beth Ann chose Valentine's Day
Thinking Dad could coast past Thanksgiving
And then forget V-Day
And get shown the door

We were both wrong--Dad forgot their anniversary
But that's two days before Thanksgiving
Which means I came closer without going over
Which means I won

Ninety-seven dollars
All my sister's bat mitzvah money

That was the first time I tasted
The sweet nectar
Of a monetary victory

The very next day
I made a bet in school

I bet that Eve and Nick
Would break up
Before third period

Granted, I cheated a little
By telling Nick during second period
That Eve kissed Derek

But I won, and that's all that mattered
The winning, the money
The nectar

Soon I was hooked
And I bought the entire class with me

People were betting on everything

Who would win Winter Formal Queen
Who would win Winter Former King
Who would get kicked out of Winter Formal
For showing up drunk

Who would get pregnant at Winter Formal

A lot of money was made
At that Winter Formal
And all of it was made by me

Then things started to go wrong

My parents got back together
And my sister argued
That that meant I had to give back the money

I tried convincing them
That they were better off apart
But they said they had to try
For me and my sister

Selfish pricks

Then I started losing bets at school

I wrongly predicted which of my classmates
Would end up starring in the spring musical

Can I ask you something?

Why would anyone cast a freshman
As King Lear?

Non-traditional casting
Cost me thirty-seven dollars

Finally, I had to resort
To making money the old-fashioned play

Texas Hold 'Em during AP History

The principal wanted to suspend me
Until I pulled the--

'Please, sir, I'm so distraught
Over my parents''

--Hold for tears--

'--UPCOMING DIVORCE!'

That brought the suspension
Down to a meeting
With the school shrink

But I lost all my winnings

Although I did manage
To score twenty bucks
Over the shrink
When I bet him
That the P.E. teacher
Used to be a woman

Hey, you can't keep a gambler down forever