How to Earn Your Allowance

I've created a chart
So that you can figure out
How to earn your allowance

It's very simple
Color-coded
With lots of smiley faces
And encouraging exclamation points

This is how it works

You get a penny
Every time
I ask you to clean your room
And you don't tell me
That you wish you were adopted
And slam your bedroom door so hard
Your Grandmother's picture
Falls off the wall
And onto the cat

You get a nickel
Every time
I check on you at night
To see if you're asleep
And I don't find a note from you
Saying that you and your boyfriend-of-the-week
Have eloped to Guadalajara
And are never coming back

I know you're a girl
And that these things happen
But I'm getting sick of the police mocking me
Every time I call them now

Having them come over
Only to have you show up at 7am
Eating an eclair
And saying you're so over Slam or Slash
Or Cutter
Or whatever guy
You've just left

You get a dime--a whole dime
Every time you wear an outfit
That's bigger than a napkin

You get a quarter
Every time you make it through a whole day of school
Without making your History teacher cry
Or lighting the girls' room on fire
Or telling your principal that I beat you with a tire iron
Just because I wouldn't let you drive to Vegas
With three of your girlfriends
For Spring Break

And listen to this

You will receive an entire dollar
Every time you borrow my car
And bring it back
Not smelling like an opium den
In Calcutta

Follow this chart
And by the end of the month
I could potentially owe you
Quite a bit of money