Tony Hooper's Birthday Party

First of all, Fat Pant isn't invited
Because he'd eat all the muffins

I don't get cake
Because it's passe
Which is French for
Stupid people like it

Instead I get muffins
Shaped like different characters
From 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'

I get the Angela Lansbury muffin
Because it's my birthday

That's my first of all

Second of all, I can't invite Lucinda
Because the last time I invited her to my party
I found her in the soup cupboard
Trying to kiss a can of chicken noodle

My Mom says she's 'special'
Which is the same thing my Mom says
About our neighbor
Who married her parakeet
And wears a bra on her head

She's my favorite neighbor

Sometimes she makes me cookies
That smell like Vaseline

But it's the thought that counts

That's my second of all

G--Nicole was going to come to my party
But now she can't
Because she'd want to bring
Her stupid new boyfriend

She's into older men now
He's in the fifth grade
And Nicole calls him
Her 'silver fox'

That's what you call boys
Who eat rodents
And roll in their own poop

So now my birthday party is going to be me
And my best friend, Franklin
Who has to let me play with his eye patch
Because it's my birthday

(He got the eye patch at Fat Pants' party
After a particularly competitive game
Of Pin-the-Tail-on-Joe Jonas)

And my Mom will be there
And Mrs. Brugel is going to perform
Songs from her old cabaret act
'Torch Songs in a Velvet Key'

That means...

I don't know what that means
But I can't tell her not to do it
Because she's in charge
Of who wins the Talent Show

Oh! I'll have chicken wings too
Which will be super awesome

So you should come
Unless you're stupid

Thanks!