My Gardener

This is my new husband
I can't pronounce his name
But he can mow a lawn
In nice straight lines

What more do I need?

Allow me to introduce myself
I'm Miriam Slater

I hadn't planned on getting married...again

But a good gardener is hard to find
And Unpronounceable, or Hedges, as I call him
Is simply the best

The things that boy can do with gardening shears
A hydrangea bush and a day hot enough to give you heatstroke
Is astonishing

And I say 'boy' because he is a boy

In Guadacongo, or wherever he's from
They train them early
In the art of horticulture

Although I have to admit
I thought Hedges was at least twenty
When we got married

I mean, look at his pores
Who could have pores like that
Before their second decade?

Little did I know
That the Kenyaguas grow much quicker
Than North American poeople

So there I was
Married to a twelve-year-old

Oh, it was fine, of course
It's not like I ever planned on consummating the marriage
But I did have to throw in a little bit more money
To get the green card

Oh how funny
My gardener needed a green card!

Hahahahaha...

You had to be there

Of course, now that we're married
Hedges acts more like a son
And by acts like a son
I mean that he won't mow the lawn
And he keeps telling me my wardrobe is tacky

Apparently my gay pool boy
Has gotten a hold of him

Hedges did agree to do my rose garden
If I bought his betrothed over
From Madaespanol
So that they could be together

I said I would
Because of the rose garden
But also because
It'll be nice to have kids in the house again

Of course my child never married each other
But still, the energy is the same

Now I have a husband
And a son
And a gardener
And a gay pool boy
And soon a daughter
Who hopefully will know
How to get red wine stains
Out of beige carpeting

My own little family

God, isn't it glorious

All the things
That money can buy?